Collusion collusion collusion!

The following Special Report has been made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group of Insurance Companies.

In my previous post I detailed some of the behind-the-scenes machinations to get serial naughty list member Donald Trump onto the nice list.

In part II of my award-winning piece of investigative journalism I make shit up I will detail the time from the Democratic and Republican conventions where Trump faced off with Clinton to the horrific election night, where Trump won. Or as I like to call it: The night God died and the most qualified and intelligent woman in the world lost because America still suffers from sexism and toxic masculinity.

For most of the campaign Hillary Clinton (pictured here)

Hillary Clinton during a campaign stop

had a commanding lead over mere businessman and non-elite Donald Trump.

That’s what the polls said. And why would the ignorant rubes in red state America lie to pollsters by telling them they were voting for Hillary when they intended to vote for Trump? Sure they would be publicly shamed but I doubt the ignorant red state rubes know the meaning of a difficult concept like shame.

However there were troubling signs during October.  Crowds flocked to Trump events while at campaign stops in Ohio and Pennsylvania Hillary drew smaller crowds than a Journey concert without Steve Perry.

Waiting to hear the Journey-less Steve Perry

Yeah, that bad.

Like a giant skin tag, something was amiss.  Could the American public actually be rejecting the most qualified and intelligent woman in America? Only a fool would think that.

At the same time rumors were swirling that Trump would be put on Santa’s nice list.

How could this be?

The answer must lie in the diabolical Donald Trump’s collusion with Russia.

After sparing no expense I bought coffee and finding no evidence of collusion I was about to give up. Then I remembered the first rule of journalism:  Always wear a condom.  No wait, that’s the second rule of journalism.  The first rule of journalism is:  If you have a theory that will help the Democrats and hurt the Republicans, then there is no need of so-called evidence. Your theory is fake, yet points to a higher truth.

So I went home and found online a transcript of a phone call between then-candidate Trump, Putin and Santa Claus.  I believe this transcript is real.

DT: Hey guys, I need some help.

VP: Anything you want. Just take back Steven Seagal.  

DT: It’s a deal. Speaking of deals, can you help me defeat Hillary and get me back on Santa’s nice list?

SC: I can’t do that. You’re naughty.

VP: I have evidence that Rudolph is a homosexual and you and him are lovers. I shall release this information.

SC: Looks like your back on the nice list.

DT: Thanks. Now about defeating Hillary – 

VP: I’m already on it. My best agents are fanning out across the United States breaking into voting machines.

DT: Thanks. That’s the only way I’d win you know. America would never reject the most qualified and intelligent woman in America.

VP:  No. They wouldn’t. Now please take back Steven Seagal.

SC: Hey I want promises that for putting you on the nice list you won’t mention anything about Rudolph and I.

DT: Mention what?  I didn’t hear anything.

SC: Thanks.

VP: Steven Seagal is an asshole.

Do we really need further evidence that Donald Trump colluded with Russia?

Next on Part III:  Elections have consequences.

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