You’re on the naughty list!

With Christmas eight days away it is my pleasure to snag an interview with the man of the hour. None other than Old St. Nick, Kris Kringle, Santa Claus himself.

MI: Good afternoon Santa Claus. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

SC: Are you sure?  You’re on my naughty list.

MI: What?  Why?

SC: I know about you and the intern.

MI: In my defense she asked me to take it out.  But anyway. It’s not about me. Tell me what’s it like being Santa.

SC: I love it. I love children and it brings me such joy to see the faces of the children when they open their toys.

MI: That must be gratifying. Tell me do you still leave coal in the stockings of bad boys and girls?

SC: No. Not anymore. The EPA got all in my face. Coal being a pollutant and all. So I stopped.

MI: So what do you leave in their stockings now?

SC: Feces. And believe me with all the cookies left out for me I have plenty of fecal matter to go around.

MI: You crap in their stockings?

SC: Yep. It’s justice. You crap all over your brothers and sisters all year and Santa is going to lay a big one right in your stocking. Sends a message that I am to be taken seriously or I’ll shit all over you.

MI: I see.

SC: And to tell the truth sometimes Santa just has to relieve his bowels. It’s a long night, lots of ground to cover. You go where you can.

MI: You bring up an interesting point. Where does Santa go?

SC: Being Santa is a lot like being a taxi driver. There are always bars you can jump into for a quick bathroom break. That’s why I like cities. More bathrooms. I remember once I stopped in at a bar in New York on Broadway and Thayer to use the bathroom. There was a couple having sex in the stall next to me so I asked if I could join.  “I’ll give you more presents” I said. So she and he let me. I tell you the passion. My knees were weak. I was barely able to finish my rounds that Christmas.

MI: Um. Back to the children and the looks of joy on their faces.

SC: Oh screw the children. Do you want to know what I really enjoy most about Christmas?

MI: No, what?

SC: All the MILFs.  So many MILFs looking for some Santa action.

MI:  Um. I – 

SC: I remember one time I was banging this MILF and Rudolph yells down the chimney “For God’s sake Santa. Can’t you premature ejaculate or something?  We have a schedule to keep.”  I ignored him. When you’re in the zone you’re in the zone.

MI: Okay, I had better – 

SC: So much sex. I’ve had more sex than Wilt Chamberlain.

MI: How do you avoid STDs?

SC: What makes you think I have? Why do you think I wear a beard?  Take a look at this son.

[Santa parts his beard to show Manhattan Infidel his cheek]

MI: Oh my god. You’re skin is dissolving! And putrid!

SC: Santa doesn’t like to use protection. It reduces my pleasure. 

MI: I had better go.

SC: Leave some cookies out for me this  year, will you?  And I prefer Charmin toilet paper. So soft on Santa’s ass.

And so ended my interview. You know I think Santa should familiarize himself with the phrase “Too much Information.”  Because…..damn!

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