Your {Revised} {Revised} {Revised} {Revised} Revised} and Extended NFL Malfeasance Template™

Attempted murder most foul







I know. Didn’t I just write one of these things last week?  What can I say. The National Football Felon League will never disappoint. Let’s just hope none of the Kennedy’s ends up playing in the NFL. If that ever happens then civilization as we know it is over.

Two-time Superbowl Champion Brandon Browner has been sentenced to eight years in prison for attempted murder

  1. Attempted murder? Brandon Browner succeeds at anything he tries to do.
  2.  It was all an innocent mistake. She just happened to be lying in bed when I put the pillow over her face
  3. No really. I was doing yoga
  4. Bitch doesn’t want to be attempted murdered bitch better not be in bed when I try to murder her

According to reports the victim’s two children were present during the attack

  1. Family is important to me and the family that watches their mother almost being murdered together stays together
  2. Couldn’t this deadbeat bitch afford a baby sitter?
  3. I mean how would you feel if you break into someone’s home to kill them only to find out her children are present? Talk about a wet blanket!
  4. Seriously. This is on the bitch!

But Seriously! What about the children? Have you no shame? Now they will have to live with what the saw for their entire lives!

  1.  As soon as I get out of prison I’ll kill the children. Problem solved
  2.  As soon as I get out of prison I’ll attempt to kill the bitch again. And this time I’ll succeed. That should take the kids’ minds off the unsuccessful earlier attempt
  3. Kids nowadays and their memories of their mother’s attempted murder. Can’t they go smoke crack or something?
  4. Seriously. This is on the kids!

You also stole a 200,000 dollar Rolex watch during the attack

  1. To be fair that watch belonged to a woman I previously attempted to murder and I’m a very sentimental man
  2. I bet I could get a couple hundred for that watch at a pawn shop. Boy’s gotta make money
  3. I resent that accusation. What need do I have for a watch? Time is a bourgeois construct
  4. Bitch shouldn’t be walking around with a 200,000 dollar Rolex. Someone might break into her house and smother her.

You are a two-time Superbowl champion. You could have lived your life with fame and riches. Haven’t you learned anything from Aaron Hernandez?

  1. Hernandez? Don’t compare me to Hernandez! That nigga was Hispanic!
  2. I have my hobbies. You have yours. To each his own
  3. Haven’t you ever heard of peer pressure? Everyone in the NFL is killing someone
  4. Bitch stole my Rolex!

And so ends yet another tawdry NFL Malfeasance Template™. You know if this keeps up there will be so many NFL players in jail there won’t be anybody left to play any games. I might have to watch Arena football!


8 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Go Beavs!
    For you unwashed, clueless heathen, Browner went to my beloved Oregon State, home of the Beavers who have won, oh, like maybe a six-pack of football games over the last four years. Sucking that bad at football would put *anybody* in a murderous mood.

  2. LSP says:

    “Time is a bourgeois construct.”

    Yes but maybe it’s better in song?

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