Who could possibly host this shit show?

With the news that Kevin Hart was out as host of the Oscars less than a week after being named the search is on for a new host of this year’s Academy Awards.

Using my contacts in show business grifters and whores I have come up with a list of people who could be possible replacements. And so dear readers NSA sit back and enjoy this preview of who might be hosting the Academy Awards this March.

• Michael Moore 
  

  Give me food!

Pluses

As a former Academy Award winner Moore knows how important the Oscars are to Hollywood. He is also a fat, disgusting pig who hates America, keeping him in sync with core Hollywood values.

Minuses

The Academy needs to make money on the Oscars and let’s face it the bill alone from catering all the food Moore wants would put the show in the red.

• Roberto Benigni 
  

  Who the hell is this clown?

Pluses

Also an Academy Award winner and will work for free. (See above and “Academy needs to make money”)

Minuses

Largely forgotten and no one will watch a show with him hosting. (See above and “Academy needs to make money.”)

• Wayne Brady 
  

  Technically black

Pluses

He’s black, people! Come on let’s give him a hand!

Minuses

He’s not authentically black.

• Kirk Douglas 
  

  An old white man

Pluses

At 102 he is the last remaining movie star from Hollywood’s golden era.

Minuses

He’s an old white man and if the Academy wanted to appeal to old white men it would hire Wayne Brady.

• Abraham Lincoln 
  

  The binary Republican

Pluses

He freed the slaves!

Minuses

He was a Republican and rumored to be binary.  Also:  Dead

• God 
  

  Typical Christian

Pluses

Being God and all-perfect and all-knowing he will not hand out the wrong envelopes during the live telecast.

Minuses

A Christian and will probably get all preachy and shit during the live telecast.

• Pete Best 
  

  His timing sucks

Pluses

Can’t think of any but he’s probably pretty cheap to hire. (see “The Academy needs to make money.“)

Minuses

The Academy Awards is a live broadcast and Pete’s timing sucks.  He’ll probably finish and go home a half hour before the show ends and then spend the rest of his life blaming Ringo.

And there you have it. No matter who hosts the show this year we can be sure of one thing: The show will really suck.  Maybe if Hollywood wasn’t expending all its energy raping each other they’d be able to produce something that isn’t shit.

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