Soon to be dead

Fresh off the great ratings from the funeral of George Herbert Walker Bush, the mainstream media networks of the United States are busily planning the next Republican funeral.

“The ratings were through the roof” said one network executive.

And if there’s one thing we network executives like it’s ratings that go through the roof. And having interns on call to give us oral sex. Technically that’s two things. Actually I prefer having interns on call to give me oral sex. I mean who cares about high ratings?  I’ll get my 20 million dollar parachute when I leave anyway. But I have to make it look good so yeah, ratings. And if there’s one thing I like it’s ratings. And oral sex. And let’s not forget dead Republicans. We love dead Republicans. Not as much as having interns on call to perform oral sex but close enough.

Intent on getting another high-profile Republican funeral as soon as possible many Republicans were approached about dying.

“Surprisingly not many Republicans liked the idea” said another executive.

Usually they do whatever the Democrats, and by Democrats I mean we in the objective news media, tell them to do. That’s what I like about Republicans. They know their place in the social order. That’s why we don’t like Trump. He’s uppity. And there is nothing worse than an uppity Republican. They should keep quiet and know that we the Democrats, and by Democrats I mean the media, are a naturally superior species. I’d tell you more but my intern is here to perform oral sex on me.

Having been turned down by many Republicans the networks finally approached Mitt Romney who was willing to die for them.

“That’s why we like Mitt” said a third executive.

He’s not uppity at all. He’s humble. Knows his place. He’s a credit to Republicans. So we said “Hey Mitt, you know we like good ratings. And oral sex from interns.” Well Mitt said he couldn’t help us with the oral sex, religious scruples and all, but he said he’d like to help  us with the ratings. So we explained we just need him to die so we can cover his funeral.

The problem was how would Mitt die?

That was the perplexing question. We thought of just hitting him over the head with a lead pipe. But union regulations prohibit us from doing that. We then tried to arrange having him visit New York City and being run over by a cab. We were almost successful but the cabbie ran over a pregnant woman instead. But I hear he likes to eat a lot of red meat so we’re confident he’ll drop from a heart attack within a couple years. And when that happens, bingo! Instant great ratings.We’re going to try to steal his cholesterol medicine too. Anything that helps.

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Mitt Romney has been given a clean bill of health by his doctor.

“Oh well, It was worth a shot. Guess I’ll have to console myself with an intern on call who will give me oral sex” said a network executive.

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