Manhattan Infidel Presents the Official Transcript of the Brett Kavanaugh Confirmation Hearings, Part IV

Tread lightly. I can kill you all with my hands









Part IV! Like Part III but more. More fun! More excitement! More. Because IV is more than III. (My fiancee is very good at math and she assures me this is so.)

Today I shall concentrate on the honorable Christopher Coons (D-DE) and his line of questioning.  Good luck. And as usual should you be caught or killed the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.

CC: Judge Kavanaugh I’m sure you must appreciate the seriousness of the allegations against you.

BK: Yes I do and I am here to categorically deny them.

CC: So you deny these credible allegations?

BK: Yes but I’m confused. I thought I’d be questioned by senators only.

CC: I am a senator.

BK: You bear a striking resemblance to Ron Howard.

Not Ron Howard












CC: I get that a lot but I assure you I am not Ron Howard. Though I admire him and believe he is one of America’s greatest directors and has made some of our best movies. How he has won best picture and best director only once is beyond me. Beautiful Mind? How about Apollo 13? Do you know the risks I, I mean Ron Howard, took to get those weightless scenes right?

JK: I wouldn’t know about that.

CC: And then not to even be nominated? Do you know how much it raised the budget of the movie to shoot the weightless scenes?  But that’s just me, I mean Ron Howard. I , I mean Ron Howard, will spare no expense to create art.

JK: I guess so. Listen Mr. Howard –

CC: Senator Coons, thank you.

JK: I’m sorry. Senator Coons may I read the statement I have prepared that defends me against these unjust allegations?

CC: In a second Mr. rapist. I’m not finished. So there I, I mean Ron Howard, was, the star of Happy Days and Erin Moran wouldn’t even put out for me, I mean him!  Not once! I wanted me a piece of that. But no. She only gave it up for Scott Baio. I tell you it made me so mad I wanted to rape her. Just like you raped Christine Blasey Ford.

BK: I did not rape her. I haven’t even met her. These allegations are ridiculous Ron!

CC: Do not call me Ron Howard! I am senator Chris Coons of Delaware. I demand you show me the respect I deserve!

[Henry Winkler enters] 

Ron Howard better stop swimming naked in my pool!












HW: Hey Ron, you left your swim trunks back at my place again.  Can you please stop swimming naked in my pool?  You’re straining the filter.

CC: Henry please. Don’t call me Ron in front of the other Senators.

HW: Whatever dude. Just please don’t swim naked in my pool. If you must don’t have so much Chinese food beforehand. Like I said the filter can only handle so much waste.

[Henry Winkler leaves]

CC: God he’s so cool! I wish I could be as cool as he is. He had Erin Moran too. But not me. I’m not cool. Why didn’t Erin Moran like me?  Was it my oddly misshapen head?

BK: I cannot speak to that. I can only deny the allegations against me.

CC: Right. The allegations. Hey do you think Christine Blasey Ford would go out with me? Do you think she can ignore my oddly misshapen head?

BK:  I do not know sir.

CC: Then I have no further questions.

The United States Senate. Worthy of more respect than the 2018 Baltimore Orioles.  Tomorrow: Part V!  And V is greater than IV!  (But only in the continental United States.)


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