Tread lightly. I can kill you all with my hands

As a service to my readers who may have been lucky enough to avoid the farcical shit show too busy to watch the confirmation hearings I now present selected highlights from said hearings.

Today I shall focus on Senator Sheldon Whitehouse’s (D-RI)

Chicks dig my hair

brave attempts to discover if the Supreme Court nominee was in fact a diabolical rapist.

SW: I want to look at your high school yearbook and the words you use in it.  As lawyers you must agree with me that words are very important.

BK: Yes. Yes I do.

SW: So let’s begin.  Let’s look at, “Beach Week Ralph Club — Biggest Contributor.” What does the word “Ralph” mean in that?

BK: That probably refers to throwing up

SW: So Ralph is a word, and words are very important, that refers to the act of vomiting, or the forceful expulsion of one’s stomach contents through one’s mouth?  Am I correct.

BK: Yes senator. That’s what we called vomiting. We referred to it as Ralphing. What did you call it in high school?

SW: Vomiting?

BK: Yes.

SW: My friends and I called it the forceful expulsion of one’s stomach contents through one’s mouth.

BK:  I see. That’s rather boring.

SW: Did I mention I was president of the chess club?

BK: No. No you didn’t.

SW: My mother was very proud. She knitted a sweater for me to wear that said “I am president of the chess club.” I wore it every day. Until I was beaten up and given a wedgie. Did you ever get a wedgie in high school?

BK: No senator. No I did not.

SW: They are very painful. It took a week for my testicle region to resume its normal shape.

BK: That must have been traumatic.

SW: It was. Now moving along you mention the word boof. Specifically “Have you boofed yet?” What does boof refer to?

BK: That refers to farting. We were 16. What did you call farting in high school?

SW: We referred to it as flatus expelled through the anus. We were very serious in the chess club. That must be why I was beaten up and given a wedgie. I still shudder at the memory. Hanging on the bathroom door, underwear pulled up over my head. My testicle region flattened into an unnatural shape. Have you ever had your testicle region flattened into an unnatural shape?

BK: No senator. We’ve already discussed that.

SW: You also mention something called “Devil’s triangle.” What is that?

BK:  It’s a drinking game. Three glasses in a triangle. It’s like quarters. Have you ever played quarters?

SW: So it’s a drinking game?  We played a drinking game in the chess club. We’d watch the nightly news together and every time Walter Cronkite took off his glasses we’d chug a glass of milk. I used to play that drinking game a lot. Until I was beaten up, given a wedgie and hung on the bathroom door. Do you like my hair? 

Look at my hair

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BK: Yes. It’s a nice mane of hair.

SW: I hear that the female gender likes a nice mane of hair. Did you go to your prom?

BK: Yes. Yes I did senator.

SW: I didn’t. I couldn’t get a date. I thought with my mane of hair the female gender would like to go to the prom with me. But every girl I asked turned me down. I wonder why?

BK: If I were to hazard a guess I’d say probably because you were beaten up, given a wedgie and hung on the bathroom door until your testicles flattened into an unnatural shape.

SW: It’s a painful memory.  I still have to wear orthopedic underwear that helps my testicle region relax and stay in its normal shape.

BK: You have my sympathy sir.

And that is why the Senate is known as the world’s greatest deliberative body. Tomorrow:  Part Two! (That’s Part II for you classy types.)

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