What a jackass!

Bono, born Paul David Hewson, net worth approximately 700 million, has made it his mission in life to warn others of the “wild beast that is capitalism.”

“Capitalism is a wild beast. It’s dangerous cuz it’s honest” said the Irish performer during a press conference to announce his “I Still Haven’t Found the Socialist Workers’ Paradise That I’m Looking For” world tour.

Capitalism has left my heart empty as a vacant lot for any spirit to haunt. Capitalism is an accident waiting to happen.  Capitalism is a piece of glass left there on the beach. Capitalists are gonna ride your wild horses. Capitalists will drown you in your blue sea. I have run. I have scaled these city walls but I still haven’t found the socialist workers’ paradise that I’m looking for. I want to feel sunlight on my face. I see that dust cloud disappear without a trace. I wanna take shelter from the poison rain. But none of this will happen as long as Capitalism remains. Look at my glasses. They prove I am serious.

A reporter then asked Bono how he reconciles his tremendous wealth with his criticisms of capitalism.

I am not a capitalist. U2 are not capitalists. Our record company did not give me money because our records sold millions entitling us to profits. I am not listed as the author to so many catchy, toe-tapping U2 songs because I hoped to make money from them. No. That would be capitalism. I am a socialist. My 700 million was simply redistributed from other people in true socialist fashion. That is a fact. And since I have benefited so much from the glory of socialism I want to give back. Well not literally. I won’t be giving my money. But I want to give back by warning those less rich and socialist than me about the dangers of capitalism.

Bono then explained the specifics of his new tour.

I won’t be singing. Who wants to hear me sing? Instead I will be talking. Everyone enjoys hearing me talk. I will be talking about how we must stop capitalism in its tracks. Everyone who attends will listen to me in rapt attention. Why?  Partly because of my message about the evils of capitalism. And also because I’m Bono. I am a socialist success story. Look how much has been redistributed into my bank account!  This proves that socialism is compassionate.

As part of the tour, those attending will have the chance to buy official tour merchandise.

“This merchandise is made in China” said Bono. “And the Chinese are not capitalists.”

Sure I could have had the merchandise made in America. But then I’d have to pay the workers a living wage. That’s why they are being made in China. A compassionate socialist country. Where the ordinary worker is content to be paid pennies an hour. 

Among the items for sale will be an official “I Still Haven’t Found the Socialist Workers’ Paradise That I’m Looking For” condom, signed by Bono.

“There’s only one that will be made. And it will be redistributed among men until it is filled up with the jism of socialism.”

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Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

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U2 have announced that they have fired Bono and replaced him with Paul Anka.

“Frankly we were all a little tired of the pompous asshole” said The Edge.

“Paul Anka is very popular and he has promised us that he will shut up when not singing.”

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