Kavanaugh Confirmation Chaos: Kavanaugh’s Mother Says “He Sucked My Breast As a Child!”

Suck it!








With the hearings on Brett Kavanaugh already controversial because of allegations he groped a woman when he was 17 years old, comes late-breaking word that Kavanaugh’s mother has confirmed that the potential Supreme Court justice did “on many occasions” commit an act of blatant harassment by placing his mother’s breast (whether left or right no one is sure at the moment) in his mouth.

“I love my child” said the candidate’s mother.

But the truth must be told.  When Brett was an infant he took advantage of my body and did on several occasions grab my breasts and put them into his mouth, proceeding to suck on them. I was shocked. I  said “Brett honey please stop sucking on my breasts. That should be my decision!” I thought it would stop him Instead he just burped and pooped. I’m a feminist and I don’t have to put up with this behavior. I don’t let just anyone suck my breasts without my permission. Unless he’s a rock star. Preferably one of the Eagles or Crosby Stills Nash and Young.

If that weren’t bad enough she also revealed that while carrying him in her womb she was assaulted by Brett.

He kicked and punched me many times when I was carrying him in my womb.I would cry myself to sleep. I sought psychiatric help. I wanted to know why he was assaulting me. My psychiatrist said Brett was a bitter clinger. A bitter clinger to my womb. And possibly a Republican. I wept bitter tears that night.

Democrats reacted in outrage to the news that Kavanaugh was a womb molester.

“What kind of man assaults a woman inside the womb” said Keith Ellison of Minnesota’s 5th Congressional District.

A womb puncher? Is that the man we want on the Supreme Court? I never punched my mother when I was in her womb. I didn’t start punching women until I was outside the womb. Just ask my ex. She has photos. And as Democrats we believe in punching women outside the womb. And socialism. We are socialistic women punchers.

From a circle in Hell that had been specially created just for him, the tormented soul of Ted Kennedy weighed in on the controversy.

“Violence against women inside the womb can never be tolerated” he said before being torn open with hooks by several demons.

When I was alive I would never have voted for a Supreme Court nominee who punched a woman in the womb. I have always treated women with respect. Unless of course it’s a waitress I’m raping with Chris Dodd or a woman I’ve left to drown in an upside down Cadillac. But that’s just common sense.

If confirmed Kavanaugh would be the Supreme Court’s first womb puncher since William Howard Taft.

“He was fat even inside the womb” said his mother.

“The fat bastard almost ripped me apart when I gave birth, which is why I never let him suck my breasts.”



3 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Whoa! CSNY!

    Check out the POOL in front of the band.

    “Go on, hop in. Here’s a bar pf soap.”


Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>