Bert and Ernie: We Visited Ex-Cardinal McCarrick’s Beach House!

We never suspected a thing!







Bert and Ernie, popular characters on Sesame Street, have announced that they often visited disgraced ex-Cardinal Theodore McCarrick’s infamous beach house in New Jersey.  I had the pleasure of sitting down with the dynamic duo to talk about their experience.

MI: Good afternoon.

B: Good afternoon.

E: How are you doing?

MI: So let’s get straight to the issue.  How often were you at McCarrick’s beach house?  How were you first invited and why are you coming out now?

B: Being TV stars we often mingled with movers and shakers. We met McCarrick at a party in Manhattan. He liked Sesame Street and said he “liked the cut of my jib.” That’s when he invited me to his beach house.

MI: Just you? Not Ernie as well.

E: No. He didn’t invite me.  Bert had to ask him if I could go.

B: That’s right. I asked him if my partner could go and the Cardinal said “I guess. Always room for a triple decker in my sandwich.”  I didn’t know what he meant by that.

MI: Why do you think he only invited you at first.

B: He likes them tall and thin. Which I am. Ernie is short and a little chunkier. And Ernie smokes and apparently he doesn’t like smokers.

E:  Sadly this is true.

MI:  So that means – 

B: Yes. Only I had sex with the archbishop.

E:  I wanted to have sex with the archbishop too!

B: Ernie now, now. This isn’t the time for your jealousy.

E: Well the rejection still stings. How come you got to have sex with the archbishop but not me?  He fobbed me off on a couple seminarians he didn’t want to have sex with. We were all smokers. The room was so smoke-filled you couldn’t tell whose penis you had in your mouth.

B: I mean I just wanted to talk to the archbishop about Thomas Aquinas. His kissing my penis was an extra I wasn’t expecting.

E: Lucky you.

MI: So Cardinal McCarrick didn’t like smokers?

B: No he liked them tall and thin and non-smoking. Not short and squat and smoking, like Ernie.

E: During the orgies I’d be out on the porch with the dog. People would walk by and ask me “Why aren’t you inside having sex with the archbishop? Do you smoke?”

MI: That must have hurt.

E: It did. I’m a Christian. Why can’t the archbishop kiss my penis too?

B:Well maybe if you weren’t so short and squat. That might have something to do with the archbishop not kissing your penis.

E: God loves my penis just as much as yours!

B: Your penis is short and squat too.

MI: Gentlemen! Please. Let’s not argue.

E: Bert started it.

B: Short and squat.

MI: If you could say anything to the former cardinal what would it be?

B: Maybe we can talk about Aquinas one day. But thanks for kissing my penis anyway.

MI: Ernie?

E: I just wanted you to bless my penis by kissing it. Was that too much to ask?

B: Don’t be so squat you little bitch.

There you have it readers. When attempting to have sex with the archbishop of Newark do not be a short, squat smoker.


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