My Exclusive Interview with Google’s Vice President for Global Affairs and Chief Legal Officer, Kent Walker

Gort! Klaatu barada nikto!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing a big wig from the world’s most popular search engine, Kent Walker from Google.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Walker.

KW: Good afternoon you disgusting pervert.

MI: What?

KW: We at Google have your entire internet history, remember. What is it with you and midgets?

MI: It was just a phase I went through. Honestly. Now moving on, Google has been in the news lately after a leaked video showed you and other Google executives consoling employees after the election of Donald Trump. Many view this as Google’s institutional bias against conservatives.

KW: We at Google have no animus to conservatives. We were simply giving vent to our understandable fear that America had rejected its appointed Democratic leader. It’s called Democracy.

MI: Appointed leader? I thought in a Democracy you voted for who you wanted to. Freely?

KW: No. It is our job at Google to help the arc of history ever forward. And we do that by helping Democrats and globalization. Hillary Clinton would have help the arc of history. Donald Trump? He represents the rise of tribalism and nationalism. The rise of xenophobia and hatred. People who voted for him are truly deplorables. The rise of nationalism is not just a challenge for America. It’s a challenge for the entire world. That’s why we have to work so hard to ensure that it doesn’t turn into a World War or something catastrophic, like Trump voters want.

MI: Aren’t you just a search engine? What right do you have to determine what people think or who they vote for?  By the way I voted for Trump.

KW: I have just released your internet history to the public.

MI: What?

[Manhattan Infidel’s phone rings]

MI: I have to take this. It’s my fiancee.  Hello honey. What? Calm down.  French Transsexual Midgets mud wrestling Irish women in Leotards? Volumes 1 through 7?  I have no idea what you are referring to.  It must be a mistake. What do you mean you’re throwing my clothes out the window? Hello? Hello?  She hung up.

KW: As you can see we at Google have the power to punish those who do not fall behind the new world global order.

MI: But that’s not fair. I have free will and I can resist.

KW: That would be unwise.

MI: You’re threatening me!

KW: I won’t resort to threats, Manhattan Infidel. I merely tell you the future of your planet is at stake.

MI: I’ll still resist.

KW: I’m afraid there is no alternative. If you resist, the planet Earth would have to be… eliminated.

MI: Wait just a second!

KW:  I am leaving soon, and you will forgive me if I speak bluntly. The universe grows smaller every day, and the threat of nationalism by any group, anywhere, can no longer be tolerated. There must be globalism for all, or no one is secure. Now, this does not mean giving up any freedom, except the freedom to resist globalism. At Google we are policed by a race of robots. Their function is to patrol Google and preserve globalism and correct thought. We have given them absolute power over us. The result is, at Google we live in peace, without arms or armies, secure in the knowledge that we are free from aggression and war. I came here to give you these facts. If you threaten to vote against the globalist world order, this Earth of yours will be reduced to a burned-out cinder. Your choice is simple: join us and live in peace, or pursue your present course and face obliteration.  Goodbye.

[He leaves]

Wow. Google. What a bunch of assholes. I think I’ll change my search engine to Bing. And don’t judge me. French Transsexual Midgets mud wrestling Irish women in Leotards was a groundbreaking series of movies with excellent production values.

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