Believe in something. Even if it’s fake

Finally addressing the rumors, shoe apparel company Nike admitted that they have other endorsements lined up just in case the association with Kaepernick creates a backlash.

“We stand behind making Colin Kaepernick the face of Nike” said its CEO, Mark “Dumb Ass” Parker.

By taking a stand by not standing Colin has reinforced America’s greatest values of inclusion, tolerance, socialism, stupidity and cratering the bottom line. We at Nike are Woke. We at Nike believe in progressive social justice. We just happen to sell sneakers. But sneakers aren’t important. Not like social justice and offending half your market. We believe Colin is the perfect choice. We stand behind our choice. Well, we take a knee beind our choice.

Despite their confidence in Kaepernick Nike admits to having several backups ready.

“That’s just good business. Always have a backup. Whether in football or in business” said “Dumb Ass” Parker.

In case we start seeing backlash from the rubes in the flyover states we are ready to replace Colin with Adolph Hitler. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adolph brings name recognition. Everyone knows who he is. Especially morally superior Democrats such as myself since his name is always on our lips. So he guarantees profits. Unless Jews buy sneakers. I’m not sure if they do. I’ll have my research team look into it.  However if it turns out that Jews do buy sneakers we have lined up an endorsement with Susan Smith. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a woman who sacrificed everything. She sacrificed her two children and is serving 30 years to life because she had the courage to stand behind her filicide convictions. So we believe her sacrifice bodes well for our sneakers. Unless mothers buy sneakers. I’m not sure about that. Again, my research team will look into it.  But just in case that ad campaign is unsuccessful we are going with Lee Oswald. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lee will give us the all-important former marine slash former communist market. And I understand that many marines are communists.  Well that’s what I hear. I’ll have my research team confirm this. But again, and this probably won’t happen, in case Lee Harvey Oswald turns out to not be a good spokesman we will use Confederate President Jefferson Davis. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Davis sacrificed so much just to keep black people in chains. He believed in what he was doing. We respect that. All America should respect that. Unless blacks buy sneakers. I’m not sure but I think they just steal them. I’ll have our R&D team look into it. And finally if all else fails, and I don’t expect it will, after all I didn’t become the CEO of Nike by being an idiot, we will feature Osama Bin Ladin. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talk about sacrifice. He was rich. He could have lived a life of ease. But instead he dedicated his life to fighting the enemies of The Prophet. This could truly be a game-changing endorsement. Unless firefighters buy shoes. But even if they do who cares? Middle class yahoos.

Parker then pointed proudly to his “I am a dumb ass” t shirt.

“You like this? It was given to me by Nike employees.  A gesture of respect and affection for what I’m doing to the company. I think.”

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