My Exclusive Interview with Stephen Colbert

The guilt I feel at being white is enormous!






Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing Late Night talk show host Stephen Colbert.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Colbert.

SC: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: You host CBS’ Late Night show, replacing David Letterman.  Those must be big shoes to fill.

SC: Not at all. David and I have much in common.

MI: Oh?  Such as?

SC: We’re both incredibly talented, incredibly white, incredibly privileged because of our whiteness and we both hate Donald Trump.

MI: Yes you are incredibly white.  I’m not sure if I would call you incredibly talented. I’ve never found you funny.

SC: That’s good. That’s good you say that.

MI: Why?

SC: As a privileged white man it is good for me to hear the truth occasionally before reverting back into my privileged white cocoon.  I am privileged. So very, very privileged. Extremely privileged. My white privilege has gotten me my TV show. If I were black would I have a talk show?

MI: Why not?  Many blacks have had talk shows.

SC: Name one.

MI: Arsenio Hall.

SC: I said a black man.

MI: Montel Williams?

SC: A BLACK man!

MI: Steve Harvey?

SC:  An empty suit and a ‘stache.  No. I see nothing on TV but privileged white men such as myself.  White privilege. I live with it. It fills me with deep shame.

MI: You keep talking about white privilege. I’m white. I’ve never experienced any of this so-called privilege.

SC: Yes but you’re low class. Not elite and intelligent like I am.

MI:I  see. Now – 

SC: I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to divest myself of my white privilege.

[Colbert drops his pants, squats and proceeds to defecate on the floor]

MI: What the hell are you doing?

SC:  I’m divesting myself of my white privilege by squatting and shitting on the floor like black Americans do. Toilets are white privilege!

MI: That’s disgusting and I’m pretty sure blacks use toilets.

SC: But why? Are they trying to be white?

MI: No. Just clean.

[Colbert takes his cell phone and smashes it. He then proceeds to start a small fire]

MI: What the hell?

SC: Cell phones are a symptom of my extreme white privilege. I shall now communicate exclusively through smoke signals as native Americans do.

MI: I’m pretty sure Indians use cell phones.

SC: How do you know? Have you ever been to a casino? 

MI: No.

SC: Then you’re ignorant. Go to a casino before you presume to tell me what native Americans do or do not do.

[Colbert proceeds to urinate in a cup and drink the contents]

MI: What the – that’s just nasty!

SC: Access to fresh running water is white privilege. Many peoples of color have to drink their urine to survive.

MI: I don’t think that’s true.

SC:  Oh god I’m privileged!  I’m privileged! Take my privilege from me!

[Colbert runs off]

MI: Well, bye I guess. The man’s crazy.

And so ended my interview with the very privileged Stephen Colbert. To all my readers: If you find yourself suffering from any white privilege please send some my way. I’d appreciate it.


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