No wonder my penis is sore! I have to stop using it as a fist

Hollywood superstar Jamie Foxx has been accused of slapping a woman with his penis during a party in 2002.

“I was at a party at his place” said the woman.

And Jamie Foxx walked up to me and said “I’m going to slap you in the face with my penis.” No one has ever talked to me like that before. For free anyway. I was so shocked I said, “But Jamie Foxx I do not wish to be slapped in the face with your penis.” He replied, “But I insist on slapping you in the face with my penis!” I said “I would really prefer if you didn’t slap me in my face with your penis.” He said “I am so going to slap you in the face with my penis.” I said “It would be displeasing to me to be slapped in the face with your penis.”  Then he slapped me in the face with his penis. I was so shocked and humiliated I had to wait 16 years to tell anybody.

Mr. Foxx for his part denies slapping the woman in question with his penis and has issued the following statement through his manager:

Mr. Fox for his part denies slapping the woman in the face with his penis. My client is not in the habit of slapping woman in the face with his penis. He’s an actor after all, not an NFL player. You know. He’s respectable. Well, almost anyway. And for argument’s sake if my client did slap a woman in the face with his penis it’s only because as an actor his body image is his livelihood and he could not afford to injure his hands by slapping anyone in the face with them. That is, and this is just speculation, the only reason he would possibly slap a woman in the face with his penis. My client wears pants in his movies and as such if he did injure his penis while slapping a woman in the face with it the damage would not show on camera, as opposed to slapping someone with his hands.

Despite Mr. Foxx’s denial the Las Vegas police have issued an APB for his penis.

“We have issued an APB for Mr. Foxx’s penis” said a Vegas detective.

We believe Mr. Foxx’s penis may be travelling south to the border and attempting to flee to a non-extradition country. The public is advised that if they see Jamie Foxx’s penis not to approach it. His penis is considered dangerous. Instead call us at our tip-line “1-800-Jamiespenis” and tell us where and when you saw the absconding penis. We are professionals and will attempt to trap the penis. We have roadblocks set up with Guinness beer and feeds of ESPN. This is the only known way to trap a penis on the run. And ladies be aware at all times. If you feel like you are about to be slapped in the face with a penis immediately stand up and say “I do not think so!” The moral authority of your objection could quite possibly save you from a penis-slapping incident.

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Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

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Jamie Foxx’s penis has been sighted at the Mexican border. The public is advised to shelter in place until the penile danger has been eliminated.

What?  Would I, Manhattan Infidel, make this up? I do not traffic in fake news.

Jamie Foxx Slaps Woman with his Penis!

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