Popular television personality The Swedish Chef has been charged with running a meth empire and personally killing or ordering the deaths of several associates and/or rivals in his underworld business.
According to agents with the Drug Enforcement Administration The Swedish Chef had been making, or “cooking” meth for almost five years to supplement his TV income. He had also recently been diagnosed with lung cancer and many speculate that the Chef wanted to leave his wife with as much money as possible.
“We’ve been looking for this bastard for years” said the DEA agent in charge of the investigation.
All we knew was that he ran the largest meth operation in the southwest and was known as “Heisenberg.” But we didn’t know exactly who this mysterious Heisenberg was. You can imagine how surprised we were when we found out it was The Swedish Chef. Hell my wife watches his show. He seemed so lovable and sweet. I never in a million years would have guessed he was a cold-blooded killer.
Using his cooking skills and knowledge of chemistry The Swedish Chef soon was producing the most lethal methamphetamine around. Local dealers busted as part of the investigation tell of The Swedish Chef constantly using the phrase “Verdy verdy verdy do you want to a cook?” in his trademark Swedish accent.
“We made a lot of money and I was happy at first” said one of the Swedish Chef’s cooking partners, Beaker (pictured here).
But eventually as we got deeper and deeper into the business and I saw how it was changing him from the Chef I idolized into a cold-blooded killer I knew I had to do something. He changed. Hell he murdered my girlfriend. Watched her choke to death on her own vomit. He could have helped her but he let her die. The son of a bitch let her die! That’s when I contacted the DEA and agreed to work with them. Anything to get this bastard.
One Beaker began working with the DEA things moved quickly. A sting was set up and Beaker arranged a meeting with The Swedish Chef out in the desert at their favorite cooking spot.
Surrounded by DEA agents The Swedish Chef was about to give himself up when a shootout left the DEA agents dead. He then was able to escape and hasn’t been seen since.
Charged with the murder of a Federal agent a massive manhunt was started for The Swedish Chef and his television show was cancelled, replaced by a self help show about the proper use of knives hosted by O.J. Simpson.
“We’ll find him eventually” said a DEA administrator.
“He killed one of our own. He has nowhere to hide, unless it’s in a cabin in New Hampshire.”