North Philadelphia remains in shock as local kid Fat Albert, recently radicalized, brutally murdered two of his closest friends, identified as Mushmouth and Dumb Donald (pictured here).
“We don’t know what happened” said Fat Albert’s brother.
He must have just snapped. He’s just a regular neighborhood kid in a junkyard band. He has no religious or political affiliations. I’m just shocked. I didn’t see this coming. Well he did sit on our dog and killed it. But I thought it was just an accident. Perhaps it was a sign of things to come.
However unbeknownst to Fat Albert’s circle he had become resentful of so-called “thin privilege” and had started frequenting radical fat websites which landed him on a Homeland Security watch list.
“This is pretty typical” said an FBI profiler when asked about Fat Albert.
People who recruit for radical organizations like the anti-thin groups look for people like Fat Albert. Those with no belief system to speak of. Probably from broken homes. They are looking for something to believe in and belong to. That’s where they come in. They exploit the recruit’s desire to belong. The radical groups become their family and belief system.
Indeed friends say that they had recently noticed a change in Fat Albert’s behavior.
“I never thought twice about calling him Fat Albert” said Weird Harold (pictured here).
His name was Albert and he was fat. Simple right? But the last time I saw him I said “Hey Fat Albert!” Do you know what he said to me? He said that thin privilege is racism and that my kind must pay for keeping his kind down. I thought what the hell? Is he Hispanic? He then threatened me and said “Hey, hey hey. I’m big boned and you shall not body shame me any longer.” I figured he was just cranky because he hadn’t eaten.
Fat Albert was also recently seen in the neighborhood with strangers of thin extraction.
“We didn’t trust these thin interlopers” said a resident.
They should stay with their own kind. I knew they were up to no good. Always talking about “thin social justice” and and wearing t shirts of William Howard Taft, who they called “The fat brother of fat brothers.” The whole damn group was shifty. Even more so than the Irish and we all know about them!
No matter how his radicalization happened, Fat Albert approached Mushmouth and Dumb Donald this morning, telling them that they had to pay for “the sin of thinness.”
He then proceeded to sit on the duo, literally squeezing the life out of them.
“The cause of death was asphyxiation” said the medical examiner. “The poor thin bastards never stood a chance.”
Fat Albert has been charged with two counts of murder in the second degree, though Albert hopes the justice system will take into account his long history of oppression at the hands of thin people.
“Thin people have been oppressing his kind since the days of Twiggy” said his lawyer.