The child gained entrance and was in danger from the musicians

Tragedy struck today as a distracted mother allowed her four-year old son to climb down into the orchestra pit of a theater, gaining access to the musicians.

“I heard a scream” said a person who was sitting near the pit.

Then the mother started crying, “My baby! He’s in the orchestra pit!”  We didn’t know what to do. People aren’t supposed to go into the pit because it’s dangerous. That’s why we called security.

As those close to the orchestra pit watched helplessly as the four-year old was picked up by a drummer and placed on his knees, security arrived and assessed the situation.

“We knew we had to take immediate action” said a security guard.

I mean sure, the drummer had the child on his lap and appeared to be playing with him. But I’ve been around musicians long enough to know that they can turn violent at any time. He could have literally torn the child apart. Or he might have attempted a 30-minute drum solo. And believe me no one wanted to hear that.

At first security considered using a tranquilizer on the drummer.

We ruled that out pretty quickly.  The tranquilizer could have taken up to a fifteen minutes to take effect and until then the drummer would have been groggy, confused and might panic. Actually that’s the default condition of drummers but the point is valid. If he panicked he might have harmed the child.

It was then that the decision was made to use lethal force.

This was not a decision we made lightly. That drummer was union after all. But we didn’t want to take any chances. The life of the boy was our first priority. Actually my first priority was hitting up the mother. But I figured if I saved her kid I’d have an in.

The drummer was shot three times. As security grabbed the child and brought him to safety the injured drummer became angry.

He kept yelling, “What the hell man?  You can’t shoot me. I’m Union!  I played with David Bowie for Christ’s sake.” He then gave me the finger before expiring.

Upon word of the drummer’s expiration protesters began to gather outside the theater.

“We got a call that hippies shouting, ‘Hey, Ho, the little boy has got to go’ were threatening theater goers as they left” said the chief of police.

We all felt badly that the drummer was killed but this is a law-abiding town and we don’t countenance hippies. So we gave them all tickets. We probably should have shot them all but I’m up for reelection and I don’t need controversy. I’ll shoot some hippies if I win.

A group calling itself “Justice for Drummers” has threatened to track down the mother and her son and occupy their front lawn.

The deceased drummer has been replaced by a drum machine.

“It’s cheaper and less unpredictable than a real drummer” said the theater president. “And the drum machine is non-union.”

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