You are all going to die.

It is Tuesday here at the Worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel.  Fridays are usually slow days.  Mondays are filled with vomiting and calling up the methadone clinic begging for some free smack. Tuesdays are mellow free smack day.  And filled with free smack and feeling mellow and groovy I now present for my readers their horoscope.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

It’s a busy time and you need to work hard to get caught up.  But why? Don’t you realize that so-called hard work is an example of rational, linear thinking?  And rational, linear thinking is racist. Instead of doing hard work, realize that you are a victim and redistribute your work to other people.  Because at a certain point you have to ask yourself if you have enough work.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

With Venus in your anus, er, sign, a love union can grow stronger.  Oh who am I kidding.  Love doesn’t exist.  Olivia Wilde has rejected me and redistributed her love elsewhere.  Jason Sudeikis at some point you have to ask yourself if you have too much love.  What was I talking about?  Oh yes.  Your horoscope.  You will discover a mole on your body.  Don’t worry.  You have health insurance.  Oh, your plan has been cancelled because it doesn’t meet the requirements of Obamacare?  Sucks to be you.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Remember positive people lift you up and negative people depress you. But you’ve been feeling too positive lately and it’s time you redistributed those happy feelings to others you selfish bastard. And what’s wrong with feeling depressed when millions are without healthcare.  But thanks to the Affordable Care Act you can now have health insurance for the first time ever.  But while you are waiting to log in that mole is growing bigger and bigger.  You might want to consider cutting it off yourself.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

The planets influence your career sector.  And so do the drugs you take.  Just remember, being fired for showing up to a board meeting strung out from a weekend coke binge is nothing to be ashamed of.  And now thanks to Obamacare you need not lose insurance when you are fired.  Preexisting conditions such as drug addiction are now covered on the Affordable Care Act.  So just go to the web site, log in and buy some affordable insurance.  Quickly.  Because you seem to have developed a tolerance for recreational drugs and might die of an overdose soon. And death is not a preexisting condition unless you are a zombie.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

If someone tries to get your attention, listen attentively to what they have to say. Then kill them. Seriously.  Kill them. Global warming is the biggest threat to planet Earth since the last Fleetwood Mac reunion. Polar bears are drowning as I write this.  So quit wasting time and redistribute some lives. This will make you feel virtuous and good about yourself and take your mind off the fact that your health plan premium will go up $200 a month.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Be careful of twisting the truth.  Because you are for the truth before you were against it. Because if you like your plan and your doctor you can keep them.  Maybe.  Sorta. Your lucky number is 326, which coincidentally is also how much your monthly premium is going to rise. And now that you have tumors all over your liver from years of alcohol abuse you’re going to need that health insurance.  Unless it gets cancelled.  Sucker.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your ruling Planet, Venus, can tempt you into slacking off. Your ruling planet Venus will also be responsible for your Herpes.  Not to worry.  Preexisting conditions like venereal disease need not bar you from getting insurance.  And while you’re at it, try giving your Herpes to other people.  That’s right.  I’m calling for a full-blown outbreak of social disease redistribution.  It’ll make you feel virtuous.  Try it with drunk college girls because even to suggest that college girls not get drunk is sexist.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

With so much to do at work it is easy to feel overwhelmed.  Try redistributing your work to a Scorpio.  Do it before he does it to you.  Then tell HR he has a preexisting condition.  Chuckle virtuously as that Scorpio slacker gets his healthcare terminated and he has to go onto the public exchanges. After the Scorpio dies from his preexisting condition take his office.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You may be busing redistributing your work to a Scorpio but if your body sends you a message that it’s time to look after yourself more then pay attention.  You know you were born under the sign of cancer, right?  So prepare yourself for long hospitalizations.  And better fill out that paperwork before they put you under.  Because they just might decide that your condition would cost too much money to fix.  And you don’t want to be accidentally killed by an overworked mid-level bureaucrat, do you?

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)

Relationships are about the needs of two people.  So tell your significant other to add you to their healthcare coverage. How could she be so selfish? If she still refuses to add you to her plan I suggest a sharp stick aimed at her head.  But be careful.  You don’t want to kill her because then her coverage ends and you get nothing.  Maybe just a blow that will put her in a deep coma and you can then forge her signature adding yourself to her plan.  See.  Simple.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Being overly generous doesn’t always help people.  Do not add a Leo to your health care plan. Let Leo get a job or sign up for Obamacare.  It’s so simple.  Just go to their web site.  You might have to wait a bit because they are having some glitches at the moment. And that sharp pain you are feeling?  Probably a tumor or a Leo hitting you over the head.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

There is no need to do other people’s work.  If you are always doing other people’s work they will never learn to fend for themselves and be self-reliant.  What?  What the hell am I saying?  Self-reliance is racist.  And watch out for the mole.  The one on your back I mean.

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