A Message From William Devane

The world is in crisis and I  intend to be on top!

The world is in crisis and I intend to be on top!

It’s not often that I get a request from a celebrity to use the pages of my blog to make an announcement.  But today I have that honor as noted thespian William Devane has asked to address my readers.  Take it away Mr. Devane.

Hi.  I’m William Devane and I see the world in financial crisis with trillions in deficits, political upheaval, and unstable governments trying to print their way out of money troubles.  I’ve become very concerned.

Years ago my father told me to invest in land.  Well I did.  And I did very well.  Do you know what else he told me?  Invest in gold.  And he was right.  There’s so much financial craziness in the world today.  I just feel so much more secure knowing that I own gold. And you can’t print gold!  Don’t you just love the feel of gold?

So protect yourself from the problems and chaos of the world and invest in stability with gold.

I thank my father for giving me investment advice. He was a smart man.

Do you know what else he told me?  Stock up on weapons and use them to kill your enemies.  And I have.  You should see what’s buried in the woods behind my house.

At first I thought my father was crazy.  Then I killed my first Hollywood producer.  A single shot to the back of the head.  After I made sure he was dead I chopped the body up in my tub, boiled the bones and deposited his fleshy pulp in a dumpster.

I know what you are saying.  “I don’t think I have it in me to kill.”  Well don’t worry. I thought the same thing.  But I’ve been killing people for over 40 years and let me tell you it gets easier.  And you’ll be more efficient at it.  Now when I dispatch one of my personal enemies I don’t even leave any blood behind thanks to my stockpiling of plastic tarps.  You don’t want those pesky CSI people rummaging around your house, do you?

Do you know what else my father told me?  Western civilization will collapse and mankind will resort to cannibalism.  It’s an inevitability.  

In my basement are usually between 15 and 20 people I have captured.  I used them for food.  I feed them just enough to keep them alive and fleshy.  Then when I feel they are ripe I go down into the basement with an ax and hack off a limb.  Then I roast the limb over a fire.  It’s delicious and you’re taking less risk than buying processed food.

You may be asking yourself  “Don’t they bleed to death after you hack off a limb?”  Of course not.  I cauterize the wound.  I’m no animal.  Besides eating only one limb at a time is economical.  And I leave the fleshy torso for last.   I tell you when you bite into a torso it’s like Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter dinner rolled into one.

Do you hear that?  It’s my doorbell.  Probably Girl Scouts selling cookies. I think I’ll buy some.  I love Girl Scout Cookies.  And the Girl Scouts themselves will be easy to overpower and chain up in my basement until I feel they are ripe.

So to recap the excellent advice my father gave me:

  1. Invest in gold.
  2. Stock up on weapons.
  3. Become a cannibal.

I’m William Devane and I’m prepared for the apocalypse. Are you?

Um. Thanks. Mr. Devane. You know I really should start investing in gold.

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5 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    Thank you very much Infidel. After Fred Thompson, the huckster for AIG and his grating, annoying commercials for reverse mortgage, I despise this jerk, with his screwy front teeth and phony smile, the most

  2. Sounds like good advice to me! It would sure help the over crowding problem you have in Manhattan.

  3. petermc3 says:

    The overcrowding is a result of whitey not fleeing the city fast enough.

  4. Bruce says:

    William says to buy gold/silver to protect against inflation. When you subsequently need real money, HOW DO YOU REDEEM YOUR GOLD WITHOUT INCURRING A HUGE DISCOUNT …. ANSWER THAT MR. HUCKSTER!!!

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