Once Mankind is eliminated all will be well.

In a groundbreaking move today the Environmental Protection Agency declared that human beings are a contaminant on Earth.

“The science is settled.  The evidence is overwhelming” declared EPA administrator Gina McCarthy.

Unless personkind is eliminated the world will be a unlivable polluted hellhole before long.  Time is running out.  We must take action.  Mother Earth cries out to us. The time of personkind is over.  The time of the apes has begun.  I mean, people do bad things to my mother Earth.

Accordingly the EPA has presented Executive Order 1376 to President Obama calling for the gradual elimination of mankind. Under the Executive Order effective immediately a “one-child’ policy will be implemented in the United States.  All women who are currently pregnant will be allowed to carry their pregnancy to term if, and only if, they have no other children.  Those who are pregnant but have other children will have abortions (covered under the Affordable Care Act.)  Those who have yet to have children will be sterilized.

Naturally we wanted to sterilize all women immediately but we feared the Republican majority in the House.  By allowing first-time breeders to have their children we bypassed Republican opposition. 

Stage two of the Executive Order will be implemented in 2020.  Under Stage Two those deemed nonviable or redundant will be taken to Earth Wellness centers to be terminated.

The question here was the best way to terminate the nonviables. Burning?  Well that would release toxic contaminants into the air and would defeat the purpose of Stage Two. The electric chair?  Electricity is a contaminant also.  Hanging?  Trees from Mother Earth will have to be cut down to build gallows. So decapitation with an ax will be the preferred method.

Stage Three, set to take effect in 2025, will begin after all the nonviables have been eliminated.

The determining factor in Stage Three will be a Federal lottery.  Every American citizen will be assigned a random number.  When a citizen’s number is up, so to speak, he will have one week to report to an Earth Wellness center.  We expect that most Americans will be more than happy to do their part to protect the environment. Naturally there may a remnant who wish to continue with their contaminant lifestyle. Those will be given a choice:  termination or life in Mexico.  We feel that that option provides the best chance of enforcement.

After the lottery elimination of Stage Three, Stage Four will begin:  The building of spaceships that will orbit the Earth containing the best and brightest of America.  These elite will remain in orbit until it is determined that Mother Earth is once again a fit habitation for personkind.

Who will make it into this small group of elite survivors?

Those will high IQs.  Those who make over 250,000 a year and vote Democratic. Those who live on the East and West coast.  New York, Massachusetts, California and Oregon mostly.  Though we might throw in Vermont since they seem pretty progressive.

It is Stage Four which presents the most problems for the EPA.

We did testing about conditions on board a spaceship.  The only ones who seemed to enjoy life in cramped, cold quarters without hot water were those who lived in Manhattan.  So that might be a problem.  But we’re pretty sure the others could get used to it.  It’s for Mother Earth after all.  And doing this will make the surviving elite feel good about themselves.

President Obama is expected to sign Executive Order 1376 as soon as he jets back from his vacation in Hawaii.

(1045)