If you like your head you can keep your head.

The roll-out of the new al Qaeda website  (www.alqaedahealthcare.gov) has caused much consternation and embarrassment for its leaders.

Reports of website crashes and members either not being able to sign up or losing their coverage are legion, resulting in plummeting poll numbers for Ayman al-Zawahiri and forcing him to hold an unprecedented press conference as damage control.

Since the alqaedahealthcare.gov web site went live, over one million Muslims have gotten notices saying that they were going to lose their head.  Others have not been able log onto the al Qaeda exchanges to sign up for healthcare.  Those that have had their premiums rise dramatically for coverage they do not need.  Said one man:

I am an 40 year old Muslim male.  Why do I need pre-natal care? What do I care about female parts?  Circumcise them all!  All glory to the Prophet!

During his press conference Zawahiri addressed the troubles with the website directly.

No one is angrier about this than me.  But let me just say this.  No one will be denied coverage.   No one’s head will be chopped off for preexisting conditions like being an educated woman.  If you like your head, you can keep your head.  And let me repeat: If you cannot get through to the website you can call our 800 number.  Operators will be standing by.  So call the number.  Just remember to speak loudly and clearly as our operators are wearing veils that cover their ears.

Now, as I indicated earlier, I completely get how upsetting this can be for a lot of Muslims, particularly the male ones who can drive, vote and go out in public without an escort.  I hear you loud and clear. I said that I would do everything we can to fix this problem. 

So if your received one of these letters saying that your head will be chopped off I’d encourage you to take a look at the marketplace. Even if the website isn’t working as smoothly as it should be for everybody yet, the plan comparison tool that lets you browse costs for new heads near you is working just fine.

And, you know, I mean, even though we fumbled the rollout on this health care law there are a whole bunch of things in the new law that are working fine, like making sure that male children can stay on their parents’ plan until they are 45 and ensuring that females get circumcised and not drive cars as well as making sure that male seniors have more virgins. 

I am confident that by — by the time we look back on this next year, that people are going to say, this is working well, and it’s helping a lot of people. Well the ones who didn’t get their heads chopped off, naturally. 

With respect to the pledge I made that if you like your head you can keep it, I think — you know, and I’ve said in interviews — that there is no doubt that the way I put that forward unequivocally ended up not being accurate. It was an incorrect promise.

So when I said you can keep your health care, you know, I’m looking at folks who’ve got employer-based health care. You know, the five percent of the Muslim world who have jobs, no thanks to the Jew dog and the infidel.

And that’s why I’m trying to fix it. And as I said earlier, my — I guess last week, and I will repeat, that’s something I deeply regret because it’s scary getting a notice saying that you are going to lose your head.  Especially if you’re a man since it’s a scientific fact that the female gender have no brains and hence do not need a head.

In terms of what happens on November 30th or December 1st, I think it’s fair to say that the improvement in the web site will be marked and noticeable. You know, the website will work much better on November 30th, December 1st, than it worked certainly on October 1st.  But if it still isn’t just call the 800 number and get a free ShamWow with your purchase of Muslim healthcare.

And in closing let me just reiterate these points:  The website will be working much better soon.  You like your head?  You can keep your head.  And ShamWow.  The quicker picker upper.  What?  What the hell do you mean that’s Bounty?

Thank you.

All Muslims are encouraged to stay off the alqaedahealthcare.gov website until the first of December or risk losing their head.

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