On February 20, 2009 most humans went about their business not noticing that they were being watched.  Yes, watched.  For a malevolent force had taken interest in humans with the ultimate goal of conquest.  That malevolent force was none other than the blogger known as Manhattan Infidel.  And now, four years later my conquest of your puny planet is almost complete.  There is only one thing left to do: Round up certain  humans I feel will be useful to work in my underground salt mines.  And so, I now regret that I have to disintegrate all humans on this planet, except for the following.

Signed

The Manhattan Infidel

King Shamus, please report to Underground Salt Mine number one. You have appointed a trustee. As a trustee you will be exempt from the punishing, back-breaking 18-hour shifts. In return your job will be to round up Hollywood celebrities to keep me amused. For when I am not amused I disintegrate people with my disintegration gun. And believe me when it disintegrates, it disintegrates! What? What do you mean Daffy Duck already used that line?

King Shamus: Die you blogger shithead!
Manhattan Infidel: ACK! ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK! ACK ACK! ACK ACK!

It seems King Shamus has rejected my offer.  He has been disintegrated.  Very well.

Innominatus you shall take King Shamus’ place in Underground Salt Mine number one. Because my gracious terms were rejected by King Shamus you shall not be exempt from manual labor. But your primary job will still be to get Hollywood celebrities to amuse me. You live in Oregon, you must know a few tree-hugging celebrities? No? Your usefulness to me has ended.

Innominatus:  Why can’t we work out our differences?  Why can’t we work things out?  Why can’t we all just get along?
Manhattan Infidel: ACK! ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK! ACK ACK! ACK ACK!

Unfortunately Innominatus has rejected my terms.

Matt from Conservative Hideout 2.0 perhaps you’d like to be my trustee in the underground salt mine? You will be exempt from the punishing back breaking labor. All you have to do is do desktop support in the salt mine. Fair enough?  What?  What do you mean you’d rather do manual labor than desktop support?  Your usefulness to me has ended.

Matt:  I tell you one thing, Manhattan Infidel ain’t getting the TV!
Manhattan Infidel: ACK! ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK! ACK ACK! ACK ACK!

Matt from Conservative Hideout has rejected my terms. Very well.  Who needs a Pittsburgh Pirates fan anyway?

That leaves Jim from Asylum Watch.  Surely you want to be a trustee in my salt mine? Forget about the manual labor and the desktop support all you have to do is make sure Chavez doesn’t nationalize my salt mines in Venezuela.  What do you mean you’re not interested?

Jim: I come in peace! I come in peace!
Manhattan Infidel: ACK! ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK! ACK ACK! ACK ACK!

Jim has rejected my offer?  Oh come on!  How difficult can it be to find one lousy trustee for my underground salt mines?

My one final hope is the infamous reprobate known as M.B. of Brooklyn, New York (pictured here).

Here is my offer M.B.  You do not have to be a trustee. You will be my “comfort woman” in these dangerous times.  Do you accept my offer?

M.B. of Brooklyn: What are you gawking at?
Manhattan Infidel: Um. Nothing.  ACK! ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK! ACK ACK! ACK ACK!

Sadly I had to disintegrate M.B. of Brooklyn.  I did not enjoy doing this.  But I hear she’s a Red Sox fan anyway.

You know what?  You people on Earth had your chance.  Doesn’t anyone want to help me out and be a trustee in my underground salt mines (full insurance package after 90 days.)  Anybody?

You puny humans are worthless.  After all I’ve done for you?  Destroy your planet?  Round everyone up labor for me?  Is it too much to ask for a little gratitude?

For my fifth year anniversary I shall not be so charitable.  Earthers you have one year to change your tune.  Just make sure it’s not a Bruno Mars tune.  I don’t like him.

Manhattan Infidel

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