Dos Equis Guy Admits It's All a Lie

My name is Virgil Jones and I’m a shift manager at McDonaldsBy now we’ve all seen the popular Dos Equis commercials featuring a distinguished older gentlemen.  The commercials purport to show scenes from his adventurous life.  But is it true?  Can we trust the ads?  In my insatiable quest for  naked Asian women the truth I set out to discover the facts.

Armed only with a 12-pack of Coors Light my righteous desire for the facts my first task was to find the “actor” in the commercials.

After spending many a night leaving bars at 4 AM and passing out in alleys searching through the Dos Equis archives (courtesy of a cousin who is adept at breaking and entering the Freedom of Information Act) I was finally able to track him down.  His name is Virgil Jones and he is a part-time actor who also makes ends meet with a day job as a shift-supervisor at a local Wendy’s.

Mr. Jones was reluctant to grant an interview (20 f#$*#ing stitches when his dog bit me in the groin.) But using the quality of persistence that we in the mainstream media are known for I promised to stop looking in his daughter’s bedroom window if he agreed to talk to me I was finally able to land my prey.

The interview took place at one of the finer eating establishments in the city IHOP.

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me.

Dos Equis Guy:  Anything for a member of the press so you’ll leave my daughter alone right?

MIDo you like naked Asian women?  Do you know where I can find one? How did you get the job as the Dos Equis guy?

Dos Equis Guy:  For the last time I’m a shift supervisor at Wendy’s.  If you don’t leave me and my daughter alone I’ll call the police I auditioned for the role and they gave it to me.

MI:  How did you get into acting? I like your daughter.  She is hot even if she isn’t Asian.

Dos Equis Guy My brother-in-law is a sheriff.  He’ll shoot you if you come near my family again.  Well, acting is in my blood.  I love it.   Seriously.  He’s killed before.

MIMing Na.  Would you hit on that?  I love puppies.

Dos Equis Guy:  Oh yeah.  I’d so spank that.  I love puppies as well.

MI:  I passed a strip club coming over here.  Let’s check it out. Are you a praying man?  I saw a church around the corner.

Dos Equis Guy:  That sounds great.  A lap dance would really help relieve the stress.  Let us go together to the church and pray for peace among nations.

MI:  You have singles on you?  I don’t want to tip the strippers with twenties. Thank you for meeting with me. I still think your daughter is hot.

Dos Equis Guy:  I enjoyed talking to you.  Yes, I have singles.  My daughter?  Eh, I’m pimping her out.  I have to pay off my credit cards somehow.

It goes without saying that I fully expect to win a Pulitzer because of this interview.  Don’t thank me.  I’m a reporter.  I’m just doing my job.


12 Responses

  1. Your best interview yet. Very interesting.

    In fact, I have it on good authority that Manhattan Infidel once taught a German Shepherd how to bark in Spanish. Even MI’s enemies list you as their emergency contact number. The Infidel’s blood smells like cologne.

    At least, that’s what I’ve heard.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: The Manhattan Infidel has no enemies. Though at times he is intensely disliked by his friends. But my blood does smell like cologne. Unfortunately it’s Justin Beiber’s new cologne.

  3. innominatus says:

    OK, fine. I’ll grant you that you smell like Justin Beiber. But are you any good at Jai Alai?
    Yeah, just like I thought.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: I invented the game.

  5. Ming Na says:

    I laughed so hard my butt fell off

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Thank you Ming. Oh, and tell your lawyer I’m ready to settle.

  7. Matt says:

    This reminded me of one of those, “what they said, and what they really meant,” thingers.

  8. a clam says:

    I would love to know just what the sugar frosted f**k it is I’m supposed to be so happy about.

  9. The turth can be told: I am the inspiration for the Dos Equis character. I have the beard; I’ve done everything. As I blog under a false name, I had to license my story out. Damn you, Infidel – now the wimmins will not leave me alone!

  10. Manhattan Infidel says:

    BB: I’m just a humble blogger who tries to tell the truth. OK, I usually lie but only because lying is more fun.

  11. CLos says:

    Best reporting ever!

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