Ayman al-Zawahiri Named Head of al-Qaeda

I don’t want this job!!al-Qaeda is leaderless no more.  In a plebiscite conducted by al-Qaeda members Osama Bin Laden’s close associate and number two Ayman al-Zawahiri was named the leader of the worldwide terrorist organization.

al-Zawahari garnered 52% of the vote, beating out Saif al-Adel who had 40% and dark horse candidate Carrot Top Carrot Top strikes fear into the western heart who received 8%.

Said an al-Qaeda spokesman:

Saif was a strong contender but we feel he lacked the strategic vision of al-Zawahiri.  As for Carrot Top, while we respect his ability to strike fear and loathing into the western heart he lacked experience with bombs.  Except for his act.  But I make with the jokes.

Upon receiving the news of his election, al-Zawahari immediately gathered up his belongings and changed his location but not before stressing that he did not ask to be elected.

Come on guys, two more years and I get my al-Qaeda pension.  Now that I’m the leader what are my chances of living two years?  Thanks a lot!  The Twilight sequel is coming out soon and I don’t want to miss that.

al-Zawahiri’s comment points out a problem for al-Qaeda in 2011:  Its leadership has the life expectancy of a keyboardist for the Grateful Dead.

In the month since the kinetic action which deprived Bin Laden of his life al-Qaeda has been desperately searching for a new leader but has been unable to precisely because of the longevity factor.  Five members asked to lead the organization turned it down.  Three claimed family obligations, one reported concerns about his health and one took a job at NBC instead.

In desperation al-Qaeda turned to Katie Couric, This woman is not the head of al-Qaeda asking her to lead the organization.

“She knows the west, needs a job and besides, most of us think she’s so perky and cute” said an al-Qaeda spokeman.

Couric turned down the job, not wanting to relocate from New York City.

It was then that al-Qaeda turned to the plebiscite that elected al-Zawahiri.  Calls to al-Zawahiri asking for a comment have not been returned though it is worth mentioning that he has changed his email to:

Hi.  You’ve reached Ayman al-Zawahiri.  I can’t come to the phone now……..DRONES!!  Praise Allah that was close.  Yes, I can’t answer your call but please leave a message and …….what….did you hear that? DRONES!!!  DRONES!!! Everyone duck!

The CIA denies knowing his whereabouts.


10 Responses

  1. The UP infidel says:

    HA! you slay me.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Thank you UP. Well, not literally slay……..then the CIA would take me out.

  3. Carrot Top also came third to Jospeh Stalin back in the day. Always a bridesmaid, never a brutal genocidal freedom-hating dictator for poor old Carrot Top.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: I believe you are wrong on this. It was actually Yahoo Serious who came in third to Stalin. Joy Behar was 2nd of course.

  5. Well he had better make sure his life insurance is paid up. All those wives are going to need the money.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Good point Jim. He better have it paid up in full.

  7. Matt says:

    Yahoo Serious never got over that loss. Behar, of course, even scared Stalin.

    Thomas Dolby even ran against Hitler, but science could only blind so many.

  8. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Good heavens Matt you’re beautiful!!!

  9. MK says:

    Tell me that twilight sequel is the last one, please….. i can’t take anymore of those sulking pasty sour pusses.

  10. Manhattan Infidel says:

    MK: Unfortunately the Twilight thing, like Hell, will be around a long time.

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