Titanic: The Director's Cut!

The bastard suits at the studio destroyed Cameron’s vision!To celebrate its 15th anniversary next year, James Cameron has released the new “director’s cut” of his movie.

“It was time to show the world the movie I intended to make.  The movie that should have been made before ‘the suits’ at the studio destroyed my vision” said Cameron.

While the two versions are mostly identical there are a few differences.  For instance the scene where Jack meets Rose for the first time goes like this in the original version:

Jack:  Don’t do it.

Rose:  Stay away!  Don’t come any closer!

Jack:  Come on, just give me your hand and I’ll pull you over.

Rose:  No!  Stay where you are.  I mean it!  I’ll let go!

As everyone knows Jack eventually pulls her back to safety. However in the director’s cut the dynamic of the scene is altered somewhat:

Jack:   Don’t do it.

Rose:  Stay away!  Don’t come any closer!

Jack:  Come on, just give me your hand and I’ll pull you over.

Rose:  No!  Just stay where you are.  I mean it!  I’ll let go!

Jack:  Well if that’s your attitude let me help you. [Jack pushes Rose off the Titanic and watches her fall to her death.]  Wow.  Nice splash!

The scene where Jack shows Rose his drawings and talks about his life in Paris originally contained this quote:

Jack:  That’s one of the good things about Paris – lots of girls willing to take their clothes off.

In the director’s cut that line has been changed to:

Jack:  That’s one of the good things about Paris – no one cared that I didn’t bathe all year.

The director’s cut gives us new insight into how the Titanic was named.  The original version goes like this:

Molly Brown:  Hey, uh, who thought of the name Titanic?  Was it you, Bruce?

Ismay:  Yes, actually.  I wanted to convey sheer size, and size means stability, luxury and above all, strength.

The restored director’s cut contains an extra line:

Molly Brown:  Hey, uh, who thought of the name Titanic?  Was it you, Bruce?

Ismay:  Yes, actually.  I wanted to convey sheer size, and size means stability, luxury, and above all, strength.  And the board of directors rejected my original name of ‘Floppydogpussmonkeybars.’  I don’t know why.  I thought that would be perfect.  Did you know that I am currently wearing ladies undergarments? And I like to shave down there if you know what I mean.

And the famous scene after the sinking where Rose has to say goodbye to a dead Jack has been altered.  The original:

Rose:  [Letting go of Jack’s hand] I’ll never let go Jack.  I promise.

The director’s cut:

Rose:  I’ll never let go Bill, or Dave or Henry.  Look whatever the hell your name was you’re dead and I ain’t got no time no how no way for no dead boys.  Chump!

If the director’s cut proves to be a hit Cameron has plans for a director’s cut to Avatar.

“I’m not going to let the cat out of the bag but it turns out the blue people were the bad guys and the marines were the good guys” he said.

(643)

3 Responses

  1. Ah heck. I thought maybe the original version was that there was no iceberg; it was really a terrorist attack by the Polar Bear Club.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: That’s an old rumor. I have spoken to a few members of the polar bear club and they assure me of their loyalty to the U.S. and western values.

  3. MK says:

    “I’m not going to let the cat out of the bag but it turns out the blue people were the bad guys and the marines were the good guys”

    Contrary to dumb leftard fantasy, that’s how it works in reality.

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