Yankee Double Feature

“What is surprising and delightful is that the spectators are allowed, and even expected, to join in the vocal part of the game.  There is no reason why the field should not try to put the batsman of his stroke at the critical moment by neatly timed disparagement’s of his wife’s fidelity and his mother’s respectability” ~ George Bernard Shaw

Yankee Stadium - deep in the heart of the beautiful Bronx

This Friday and Saturday I took in games against the slumping Cleveland Native Americans.  The Native Americans had just come off a homestand where they lost six of seven.  This could be what the Yankees needed, having been swept, no, spanked the previous series by the abomination of  desolation otherwise known as the Bahstahn Red Sawks.

On Friday’s game the Yankees started Ivan Nova (5-4 4.30) while the Natives countered with Fausto Carmona (3-8 5.71 ERA).

The Yankees got on the board in the bottom of the first. After Jeter, Teixeira and AROD walked Robinson Cano singled to right, scoring Jeter.  Nick “O-H” (more on that later) Swisher hit a sacrifice fly to left field scoring Teixeira.  Jorge “Bat me ninth and you kiss my blood clot” Posada then singled home Rodriguez.  3-0 Yankees after 1.

In the bottom of the second Curtis Granderson hit a solo shot.   Then things got interesting.  Teixeira was then hit by a pitch.  Teixeira threw his helmet and motioned to Carmona.  Both benches and bullpens emptied.

The Mexican Standoff

The Mexican standoff!

It was your typical baseball “fight.”  By the time everyone had run to the mound people were too tired.  Except for managers Girardi and Manny Acta of Cleveland who engaged in a heated shouting match.  So it was a Mexican standoff.

I’ve just been informed that that phrase is insulting to Mexicans.  Instead I will call it a illegal immigrant standoff.

I’ve just been informed that that phrase criminalizes illegal activity.  Instead I will call it an undocumented guest worker standoff.  4-0 Yankees after 2.

In the bottom of the third Brett Gardner doubled home Robinson Cano.  5-0 Yankees after three.

In the bottom of the fourth Alex Rodriguez hit a monster blast into the left field bleachers that went 460 feet.  6-0 Yankees after four.

In the top of the fifth Cleveland finally scored.  Who cares how they scored though.  Okay, I was at the concession stand buying a beer and wasn’t paying attention.  By the way, did you know that regular beers are six dollars but a souvenir beer is 11?  That souvenir beer better come with souvenir sex.

6-1 Yankees after five.

In the top of the six Carlos Santana (no, not the singer of songs, to quote Tony Curtis) hit a home run for Cleveland.  In the bottom of the sixth Granderson and Teixeira engaged in a double steal and Granderson scored on the catcher’s throwing error.

7-2 Yankees after six.

In the bottom of the seventh Teixeira hit a bases clearing double scoring Francisco Cervelli, Jeter and Granderson.  Alex Rodriguez then doubled home Teixeira.

11-2 Yankees after seven.  And that’s what the final score should have been.  But the Yankees have problems with their bullpen.  Before the series started it was announced that Joba Chamberlain would need Tommy John surgery and would be out for the rest of the year.  A big blow for the Yanks.

After pitching seven strong inning Ivan Nova was relieved by Kevin Whelan.  Making his major league debut Whelan walked the bases loaded, then walked in a run.  He was quickly relieved.   But not to worry.  After the game manager Joe Girardi sat him down and said, “Don’t worry  You’re with us to stay.  Just kidding.  Back to Triple AAA for you.”  Just in case Whelan didn’t get the message Girardi had him beaten by Yankee Stadium security.

So what should have been a laughter wasn’t as Cleveland scored once in the eighth and four times in the ninth.  Mariano Rivera was brought in to close.

Final score:  Yankees 11 Cleveland 7.

Notes on the game:

It was Jorge Posada figurine night at the stadium.  All fans in attendance got a free (and angry looking) Jorge Posada figurine.  Mine begged out of the lineup after I told him I would bat him ninth.  Wow.  What a figurine bitch.

There were some fans behind me who drove from Ohio.  They kept yelling at right fielder Nick Swisher “Hey Swisher.  O-H!”   I asked them what that meant.  Turns out Swisher went to Ohio State. And here I thought “O-H” were the initials of the stripper who gave him the Clap.

Saturday’s Game

On Saturday the Yankees started Bartolo “38 years old.  245 pounds.  What could go wrong?” Colon (5-3 3.10) and the Cleveland Native Americans started Mitch Talbot (2-3 4.01).

Friday was Jorge Posada figurine night.  Saturday was cap day.  I got a Yankee cap.  (I’ll add it to my collection.)

Unlike yesterday’s game today’s was a pitching duel (except for three mistakes by Talbot (well four if you count being bitten by that werewolf.)

The Yankees got on the board first when Alex Rodriguez hit his second  home run in two days.  1-0 Yankees after four.

In the bottom of the sixth things got interesting.  Curtis Granderson hit a home run.  After Mark Teixeira flied out to right field Alex Rodriguez was then hit by a pitch. After what happened yesterday the home plate umpire immediately ejected Talbot.  AROD was down for awhile and as the trainers looked at him it appeared he might have to be pulled from the game.  But after the trainer whispered in his ear “I like you better than Jeter” AROD bounced back up and took first base.

2-0 Yankees after six.

In the top of the seventh disaster struck for the already injury-depleted Yankee pitching staff as Bartolo Colon pulled up lame covering first base on a routine grounder.  He was placed on the 15-day DL.  Just kidding.  Girardi had him put down.  David Robertson came in for emergency relief for the Yanks.

In the bottom of the seventh Jorge Posada singled to right and Nick Swisher went to third.  However Cleveland Right Fielder Shin-Soo Choo (he of the DWI arrest) misplayed the ball allowing Posada to go to second and Swisher to score.  3-0 Yankees after seven.

After Robertson struck out the side in the top of the eighth Mark Teixeira homered to right.  4-0 Yankees after eight. Boone Logan pitched the ninth as the Yankees won 4-0.

Notes on the game:

Friday was figurine night.  Saturday was cap day.  Sunday’s game (which I did not attend) was, I believe, Gates of Hell Day where all fans 14 and under have the opportunity to sell their soul to Satan in exchange for future baseball success.

The Yankees value highly their relationship with Satan and here to present his thanks to Satan on behalf of the Yankees is Mark Teixeira!

As everyone knows Derek Jeter is closing in on 3000 hits.  He hit one Friday and was hitless Saturday and as of Sunday game time needed eight more.  I hope he gets it quickly.  The sooner he reaches 3000 the sooner he can be moved down in the lineup.  Perhaps bat him sixth and move Gardner to lead off.

And so my record stands at an impressive 6-0 this year.  My next game is Tuesday June 14th against the Texas Rangers.  Go Yankees.

As this has been a rather long post I will close it now so my valued readers can get back to doing what they do best – surf for porn!

Let’s see, what happens if I type in “Busty Asian babes” for my Google search? Wow!  I’m going to be busy for awhile I see.

Talk amongst yourselves.



2 Responses

  1. “By the way, did you know that regular beers are six dollars but a souvenir beer is 11? That souvenir beer better come with souvenir sex.”

    Followed by souvenir shutting the hell up and getting out of my apartment.


  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Followed by souvenir STD testing of course

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