Congress Gets Rough With Its Members

The Capitol Dome thrusts itself into the skyIn the wake of the devastating Weinergate scandal Congress has devised new fool proof methods of keeping its wayward members in line.

Standing in front of the the Capitol building, it’s impressively sized dome thrusting itself erect into the sky Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) declared it was time to act.

We are men. Manly men with manly urges.  Sometimes we cannot control our desires.  But clearly this issue has come to a head.  It’s time to take it in hand.

Standing behind him at the press conference was the representative from New York’s eighth congressional district, Jerrold Nadler (pictured here). Jerrold Nadler before taking his shirt off Said Nader:

A lot of us thought that sex-texting, sexting if you will, and other forms of online activity were just good clean fun.  I myself used to think that way.  Then I took my shirt off and sexted a woman a picture of my torso.  I thought it was harmless.  She committed suicide.

In light of recent scandals Congress has created a bipartisan committee entitled “The Anti-Erection Squad.”  This squad, whose slogan is “We are keeping it down so your hopes can stay up” will be monitoring the blood flow to all congressional genitalia.

“It is hoped that by doing this we will get a grip on the problem” said Reid.

In addition to the Anti-Erection squad Congress will have the aid of two promising devices. The Spermatic Truss The Spermatic Truss keeps your member safe and honest is designed to prevent erections by thrusting the penis downward.  Members who find this impracticable will be fitted with a modified Spermatic Truss that allows erections.  Only the erection will now drive the genitalia into painful spikes.

The second device, called the “Timely WarningKeeping your thoughts pure is a penis-cooling device.  If a congressional erection occurs, a series of tubes will flood the “organ of generation” with cold water, causing said erection to subside.

If these two devices fail in their intent, American patriot Mickey Rooney I’m gonna kick you in the groin! has graciously volunteered to kick erect congressmen in their offending organ while shouting his famous line from The Bridges of Toko-Ri:  “Me and Nestor don’t do much fraternizing with admirals.”

The first person kicked by Rooney was Carolyn Maloney (D-NY), representing the 14th district.  Said Maloney, “I have internal genitalia and that still hurts!”

Funding for the Anti-Erection Squad will be provided by taking money allocated to Medicare.



10 Responses

  1. Matthew says:

    What are they going to do to Bill Clinton!

  2. A sharp knife properly applied might work better. Also, it would do wonders for the Congressional Choir.

  3. innominatus says:

    I had a similar plan for these guys, except it involved a mousetrap and some black electrical tape.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matthew: I think they’ve given up on Bill.

    Jim: They might enjoy that.

    Inn: I like your idea.

  5. Karen Howes says:

    The money would probably be better spent!

  6. Matt says:

    Hmm…taking money from Medicare? Does that mean we get to push them off a cliff?

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: In the short run yes. But you know our naughty congressmen. Soon the anti-erection squad money would bankrupt America.

    Matt: A good idea.

  8. Jerrold Nadler, aka Jabba The Hutt.

    Jeeeeeebus, the image of that dude shirtless has probably made several women go play for the other team.

  9. MK says:

    I’m surprised they didn’t contact the Tea Party, i’m sure there are plenty of volunteers who’d like to kick a lot of these pricks in the balls, whether they have erections or not.

  10. Keith Richard Radford Jr says:

    As far as the story about JN sending his torso in a picture. Did he attend an open casket funeral? Even then people fake their death all the time. I do not exactly buy the argument and may have heard different but people use sex as a weapon and to go out and commit suicide over a picture sent to someone is not sound, and the with photoshop we can sit next to bones the size of planets or be jammed on the end of a pen, heck tell Mohammed with photoshop that camel did slide through the needles eye and those mountains floated right over for his inspection. It don’t ad up and let just say I was lead to think maybe this was a Use you Milt thought for the day.

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