An Apology from Manhattan Infidel

As I stand at this podium I wnat to snap a photo of my penisGood afternoon.  As I stand at this podium I feel great remorse.  Remorse and shame.  I want to take this opportunity to apologize in advance for my future sex scandal involving social media.

My future wife, whomever she will be, but I hope it’s this woman, My future wife, who will be a tower of strength to me during my future sex scandal the comely Maggie Lawson from USA’s “Psych” will be a tower of strength to me as she stands by my side.

I also wish to apologize to three respected bloggers I will defame in the future as I attempt to weasel my way out of the scandal.

I am of course referring to Blog de King Shamus, Innominatus and Conservative Hideout 2.0.

I will now enter future sex rehab where I will get treatment for my addiction to future sex.

I regret not being honest about my future actions.  I will be embarrassed.  I will be humiliated.  I will be trying to protect those I love the most, even if I have never met them in person and only know them through texts and images on my phone.

I do not believe that any actions I may commit in the future violates my oath to my readers.  I am going to work very hard to win back their trust.  This will be a personal failing.  And I hope that they see it that way.  I also hope they erase all images from their cell phones that I will send them in the future.

Thank you.  Oh, and while this is technically not on topic I also want to apologize for those ten skulls that will be found in the back of my refrigerator.  That was wrong and inappropriate as well.  I should have recycled them.

I now open the floor to questions.

Female Reporter:  Manhattan Infidel, is this just the tip, so to speak, of the iceberg?  Are there more photos out there?

MI:  How old are you honey?

Female Reporter:  20.

MI:  I just sent you a pic.  Check your phone.

Female Reporter:  Awesome!  How are you going to complete your press conference with a raging hard on?

MI:  It won’t go away and now I’m taking pics of it behind the podium making me harder still.

Female Reporter:  So hot!

MI:  This thing is bobbing up and down.

At this point in the proceedings the mother of the female reporter jumped up on stage and tasered the blogger known as Manhattan Infidel, effectively ending the press conference.


11 Responses

  1. I am eagerly awaiting my inevitable turn getting rolled under the bus!

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: I will throw you under the bus. It’s for the good of the country. It’s a skill I learned from our President.

  3. Matt says:

    Is there a coffee pot under the bus? We might be there for a while.

    I’m also preparing some post titles for the coming controversy…

    “Manhattan Infidel: “It burns when I pee.”

    “Manhattan Infidel Denies Knowledge re: bodies of emo transexual lesbian hookers found under floorboards”

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: How did you know about the burning? But my doctor assures me it’s only temporary.

    Jim: I can picture Sean Connery saying that line in Goldfinger.

  5. John Carey says:

    I noticed there was very little remorse in your tone.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    John: Don’t make me go all Anthony Weiner on you 😛

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Oh, and if Maggie Lawson should happen to read this, call me.

  8. Matthew says:

    I thought that Olivia Wilde was your squish

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matthew: Yea she was. But that pesky restraining order makes love difficult.

  10. MK says:

    Apologizing is all well and good, but do you take FULL responsibility?


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