My Exclusive Interview with Anthony Weiner

This is Anthony Weiner’s headNew York congressman Anthony Weiner has had a very stressful week.  After a photo purporting to be of his crotch was sent to a Twitter follower of his he has had to defend himself and his character. After many days of damage control and disastrous press conferences he has decided to tell his side of the story.  I am honored to be the reporter chosen for this occasion.

MIGood morning congressman Weiner.  May I call you Captain Crotch?

WeinerWhat?  No.  I want to talk about the past week.  As you know a photo was sent out from my Twitter account.  I just want to reiterate that I did not send it.  My account was obviously hacked.

MI I know what you mean.  That happens to me all the time.

WeinerReally?

MI Sure.  Whenever my blood alcohol level reaches 3.0 my account is mysteriously hacked and photos of my penis are sent to every woman I know.

WeinerSo…..you believe me?

MI:  Of course I do.  Hacking is the only possible explanation for this and not the fact that I passed out and woke up on the floor next to 12 empty cans of Budweiser – tall boys by the way.  I tell you it’s embarrassing getting all those text messages saying “Why do you keep sending me these pictures.  I’m not interested.”  And then I have to explain “But baby I was hacked.”

Weiner:  Hacking is a serious crime.  Have you gone to the police?

MI:  No.  But I have hired an attorney to see what my options are.

Weiner:  Smart move.  But you know it’s been a tough week for me and I’d really like to move on to issues of more importance.

MI:  Precisely.  Speaking of which you are friends with Ben Affleck aren’t you?

WeinerYes.  Yes I am.  Why?

MI:  Does he wear a toupee?

WeinerI wouldn’t…..I….I don’t know.

MI Did he ever talk about J.Lo?  About how her naked body glistens and that a man would crawl over broken glass to spank that?

Weiner:  I’d really rather talk about issues important to my constituents such as health care.

MI:  In a minute.  Ever rub up against a hot chick on the subway and pretend that it was an accident?

Weiner:  Well yeah who hasn’t?  I mean can we talk about how the Republicans are trying to kill seniors?

MI:  We’ll get to that.  What about circle jerks?  Ever attend a circle jerk? 

Weiner:  All congressional Democratic caucuses start with one.

MI:  Really? 

Weiner:  Well the pledge of allegiance is so triumphalist don’t you think?

MI:  I guess that’s one way of looking at it.  Have you ever been on an airplane next to a teen age girl and shifted your package so she could look at it?

Weiner:  Naturally.  A congressional perk.  I mean, let’s talk about Medicare.  Please I beg you – 

MI:  What about reach-arounds?  Do you give reach-arounds?

Weiner:  Stop it!  I can’t take it anymore!  I did it!  I did it!  Alright?  I sent the photo.  I sent the photo!  I sent the goddamn photo!  I’m so ashamed.  It’s just that…..she’s a hot coed and she said she had a crush on me.  I’m so useless.  I  just want the ground to swallow me up.

MI:  One more question.  About President Obama’s health care reform law – 

Weiner I couldn’t give a damn about health care.  I just want to get my freak on with coeds.

MI:  I see our time is up.  Thank you for meeting with me.  If you hear from Ben Affleck tell him to give me a call.  I want to ask him a few questions about J.Lo.

Weiner:  Whatever just leave.

MI:  I’m taking the subway back to my office.  I’ll call you there with some follow up questions.

Weiner:  Subway?  It’s bound to be packed this time of day.

MI:  I know.  Plenty of people to rub up against.

Weiner:  I’m coming with you.

And there you have my exclusive interview with the man who may be the next mayor of New York.  Once against I thank congressman Weiner for his time.

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4 Comments

4 Responses

  1. Ben Affleck has a rug? Well, at his piece does a better job acting than Ben Affleck’s high school type thespianism.

  2. Matt says:

    And a great friendship was formed. “Partners in perv,” they were called.

  3. MK says:

    So all congressional Democratic caucuses start with circle jerks, hah! i knew it, @#$%ing wankers.

  4. Matthew says:

    This guy is a real Weiner

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