As we enter the new year and King Obama’s inauguration gets closer I thought it was time that I gave my readers a few suggestions on what I think might be done to make the United Kingdom of America a better place to live.

For make no mistake.  The people have spoken. Facism.  Dictatorship. Rule by Strong men.  Whatever you want to call it.  Americans want it.  This myth that Americans like small, limited government is just that.  A myth. Americans like things big. And we have voted for the biggest, most intrusive government the world has ever known.  As to how we will pay for this, hell, kick it down the road.

And so, in the spirit of unlimited, big government, here are a few modest proposals:

• Every American 14 years and older will owe the government five days of manual labor on Federal lands.  Yes, I realize that the 13th amendment prohibited  involuntary servitude.  But this is for President Obama.  And you do want to help your President, don’t you?  Or are you racist?  Naturally I don’t expect every American to be physically able to do manual labor for five days.  Those who are unable to labor for Obama can fulfill this obligation by delivering “four fat fowl” to the IRS office closest to you.
• All citizens of the United Kingdom of America who do not hold office (vassals) have certain duties beyond manual labor that they will have to give to President Obama.  These include fealty as well as aid and counsel (auxilium et concilium).  In return President Obama will provide protection and maintenance to his vassals.  How glorious and compassionate is President Obama to do this!  Just think: No one ever will have to go hungry or homeless again.  In return for manual labor, fealty, aid and counsel our President will give us free room and board.  He will become the benevolent father figure the framers of the Constitution always envisioned.
• The right of Droit du Seigneur shall once again become custom in the United Kingdom of America.  Why?  For charity’s sake.  It will bind us vassals with our noblemen who hold office.  And besides, what loyal and right-thinking American wouldn’t want to share his bride with President Obama?

On that note I’d like to close these few modest suggestions with a prayer:

Our Obama Who Art In Washington

Hallowed be Thy Name

Thy Kingdom Come

Thy Will Be Done in America As It Is In The Rest of The World.

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread (Where’s My Free Stuff?)

And Forgive Us Our Non-Fealty

As We Forgive Our Elected Rulers

And Lead Us Not Into Selfish Thoughts

But Deliver us from the Evil of Capitalism

Amen

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A high school in America stunned the world today by not having a mass shooting.

As soon as reports filtered in that a man, possibly white, possibly a socially awkward loner, and possible disgruntled over high taxes and the healthcare reform law, was seen in the hallways of the school national and international networks interrupted their regular programming to cover the soon-to-be tragedy as it unfolded.

SWAT teams from four different states converged on the unfortunate school.  They soon located the potential homicidal maniac by his locker where it appeared he was grabbing his lunch.  Though it might have been an Uzi.

Using concussion grenades to stun the student, they converged on him and soon had him in handcuffs. Forming a protective shield around him to prevent enraged teachers from  possibly killing him they dragged the student/homicidal maniac out the front door where a phalanx of reporters waited, hoping to make some sense of the tragedy.

“Why do you want to kill people” asked one reporter.

Following that initial question the lowlife scumbag student/mass murderer was subjected to a steady stream of questions.

 “Are you taking any medication for your schizophrenia?”

“Are you doing this because you think your taxes are too high?”

“Are you a teabagger?”

“How long have you been a gun nut?”

“Why do you hate brown people?”

Perhaps fearing that he was concealing more weapons beneath his armor* and not wanting to take any chances the brave SWAT team pumped round after round of bullets into him until they were sure he was dead.

Meanwhile frightened students were led out a back exit to be reunited with their anxious parents.

Members of the media, unflinching in their duty surrounded the students and their parents to ask them what they were feeling.

“Your children are still alive.  How will you cope with the grief?”

“If there had been a shooting and your son died, would you feel sad?”

“Do you and your children hate brown people also?”

These were some of the probing questions asked by the future Pulitzer winners.

However, eventually disappointed that no students or their parents had broken into tears they rushed back to the front of the high school to photograph the dead body of the maniac.

Police brought in a robotic arm, stripping the body and probing its orifices to make sure no weapons were still on it.  Once they were able to confirm that the body of the homicidal maniac was unarmed it was set on fire.  After the fire had gone out a shallow pit was dug, filled with quicklime and the body dumped into it.

The principal of the high school has announced that classes will be cancelled for the next month, allowing survivors of the rampage to attend grief counseling, sensitivity and social justice classes.

“At a time like this, feelings are more important than math and science” he said.

* Initial reports that the gun-crazed, mentally ill homicidal maniac was wearing body armor appear to be incorrect.  He was in fact wearing a J.Crew slub jersey polo with porter blue stripe and Dickie slacks for J.Crew in urban slim fit.

Authorities cite the clothing as further evidence that the student was intent on mass murder and harbored a deep hatred for brown people.

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Chris Berman:  Hello I’m Chris Berman and I’m joined by Suzy Kolber as we bring to you today the best in cliff diving.

Suzy Kolber:  Thank you Chris.  And what an exciting competition we have for our viewers today as our two contenders Harry Reid and John Boehner vie for the title of Cliff Diving Champion of the World.

Chris Berman:  May I kiss you?

Suzy Kolber:  No.

Chris Berman:  Bitch.  Anyway onto our first contestant.

Suzy Kolber:  Yes Chris.  John Boehner is trying to unseat the champion Harry Reid.

Chris Berman:  And I hear there is tension between the two.

Suzy Kolber:  That there is.  We have obtained this video of the two of them in the dressing room:

[Cut to tape]

Harry Reid:  I like cliff diving.  America likes it.

John Boehner:  F*ck you!

Harry Reid:  What?

John Boehner:  F*ck you Harry!

[End tape]

Chris Berman:  Wow.  Lots of tension there.  And here come John now.  He steps up to the edge of the cliff.

Suzy Kolber:  And as is his trademark, Boehner bursts into tears.

Chris Berman:  What a showman he is. And here’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Boehner is going over the cliff!

[Boehner jumps off cliff and crashes on the rocks below]

Suzy Kolber:  Oh. Too bad.  He landed on top of the shoals of unfunded liabilities. That has got to hurt.

Chris Berman:  That’s going to cost him.  The judges won’t like that one bit.

Suzy Kolber:  Not to mention he might lose valuable support.

Chris Berman:  But you have to admire Boehner.  He’s a trooper.  Look at him down there, bleeding on the rocks.  Yet he still has time to cry for his base.

Suzy Kolber:  And now it’s onto the acknowledged champion, Harry Reid.

Chris Berman:  Suzy as you know Harry has has some embarrassments this year when his sponsors backed out. 

Suzy Kolber:  That’s right Chris. For awhile it looked like he might not have the funding to participate today.  He had to harangue his rich friends to pay some more until he finally got the money.

Chris Berman:  I understand that he’s talking to the Chinese about funding.

Suzy Kolber:  Well good luck on that.  The Chinese still haven’t gotten their money back from the last time Reid borrowed from them.

Chris Berman:  And he’s about to jump!   Wait.  He’s motioning something.

Suzy Kolber:  I believe he’s saying he doesn’t have to jump.  That Boehner jumped first.

Chris Berman:  And that makes Reid the winner yet again!

Suzy Kolber:  That’s why he’s the master!

Chris Berman:  Well that about wraps it up for us from the Cliff Diving championships.  Up next on ESPN:  Poker!   May I kiss you Suzy?

Suzy Kolber:  Go to hell!

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Greetings America from the Department of Homeland Security!

The new year is upon us.  Like many of our citizens, documented and undocumented, we are sure that you have exciting new year’s eve plans.  And we here at the Department of Homeland Security would like help you have a great, exciting, safe and government-controlled new year.  Accordingly the following provisions have been promulgated to ensure everyone’s safety.  Your cooperation is desired.  Though if you don’t cooperate we will publish your home address and you will go into our database as anti-government.  Or as we like to call them in the security business:  Unmutuals.

• Homeland Security has over 30,000,000 cameras at important landmarks, street corners, high schools, junior high schools and elementary schools to watch for unmutual behavior.  However, putting up cameras everywhere would be prohibitively expensive.  Especially now that we are going over the fiscal cliff thanks to the teabaggers.  Accordingly we ask all Americans to download our new app (available on iTunes) that can be placed on your desktop, laptop or handheld device so we can better observe, document and regulate your behavior.
• Many of you will feel compelled to drink fermented or distilled beverages in abundance.  We at homeland security frown upon this.  The consumption of alcoholic beverages leads to behavior that cannot be easily controlled by the government. You might say something you’ll regret for the rest of your life, like expressing sympathy with the tea party or arguing that our government is a government of limited powers as expressly dictated in the Constitution.  We suggest nonalcoholic beer.  If you absolutely must imbibe take high speed rail home.  If you live in an area without high speed rail, stay home, install our app and let us monitor you.
• Many of you will try to ring in the new year with sexual activity.  We at  homeland security believe sex is a beautiful thing.  However, if you must have sex please wear a condom or other form of birth control.  You do not want to bring children into this world.  At least until our President Barack Obama solves the fiscal problem.  If a condom or other birth control device is unavailable and you still insist on sexual relations we suggest you close your eyes and picture Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. Imagine her on top of you.  Her smooth, milky-white thighs pressed against your body.  Her breasts hovering over your face. Her hand caressing your “member.” Her tongue reaching to explore your secret places.  If you do this we feel confident you will not be able to perform.  (We have Beta-tested this and it works!)
• If you have installed our app (and we highly recommend you do) we suggest you wear a portable microphone so the agent monitoring you can listen to your conversation.  We want you to have fun and have an unenforced, natural conversation.  However, do not use the phrase “tea party.” In fact, do not even use the word “tea” as this can be construed as anti-government sentiment.  If you must drink tea call it something else such as “mombo banana can snizzle truck.”

So dear fellow document and undocumented Americans, just follow the above steps and have a safe and government-controlled new years. Come to Homeland Security for our yoke is easy and our burden light. Unless you are unmutual.

But as one last warning, if you insist on having sexual relations without the assistance of birth-preventing devices think of Janet Napolitano.  Imagine her lady parts being thrust into your face as she says, “I bathed today.  And you know you want it.”

Don’t be an unmutual!

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‘Tis the season for giving.  And if I ever find that hooker who gave me the clap boy will I give her a piece of my mind!

And in the spirit of giving today I have decided to give my readers just a taste of Christmas headlines from the paper of record:  The New York Times.  Now what methodology did I use when deciding which headlines to use you may be asking?  You may also be asking why I am dressed as Shirley Booth.  Don’t ask.  It’s how I roll.  Now onto the headlines!

December 25, 2012:  Pope Calls for Peace on Earth but Leaves Out Vital Role Played by the U.N.

Pope Benedict in his Christmas message to a mostly white crowd called for everyone to recommit themselves to peace on Earth by following Jesus.  Conspicuously missing in his speech was any mention of the United Nations, perhaps the greatest force for peace the world has ever known.  Why did the Pope leave out the U.N.?  Perhaps he’s a gun nut……..

December 25, 2011:  Shepherds Abandon Flock They Were Watching and Are Fired!

Perhaps no incident better displays the inherent injustice of labor laws than the fate of the shepherds who were guiding their flock. They abandoned their flock to see the infant Jesus and were later fired by their employer.  Didn’t these poor shepherds have any time off?  Did they have no protection from the capriciousness of ownership?  Why weren’t the shepherds union members?  Did the occupying Jews pass so-called right to work laws?……….

December 25, 2010:  Did the Three Wise Men Offer Joseph and Mary Health Insurance?

After an exhaustive two-year investigation by the Times we have revealed beyond a shadow of a doubt that the three wise men spoken of in the Bible were actually insurance agents.  Why else would they offer Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh?  These were ancient health products.  Obviously they were trying to temp Joseph and Mary into buying expensive health insurance.  And being poor, they could not afford it.  If only Herod had offered a single-payer option……..

December 25, 2007:  Would Cross Control Have Saved Jesus?

According to tradition, Jesus died a slow, agonizing death upon a cross.  Archeological evidence suggests that ancient Palestine had a wild west mentality and that private cross ownership was common among the population. Everyone it seemed owned a cross. Jesus was, after all, just a poor black man trying to eke out a living as a carpenter amongst the cruelty of the occupying Jews.  It is worth asking this question:  Would cross control have saved Jesus?  If the population of Palestine were restricted in their cross rights perhaps Jesus would have lived.  We’ll never know of course but to the editorial board of the New York Times this makes sense……

December 25th, 2006:  No Room at the Inn?  Republicans Deregulate Hotel Industry!

In the infancy narratives of the so-called “New Testament” it is revealed that there was no room at the local inn and that the baby Jesus was born in a manger.  Why was there no room in the inn?  Perhaps the Republicans of ancient Palestine had deregulated the hotel industry, undermining certain civil rights provisions.  Perhaps Joseph and Mary, being black, were denied a room because of the prejudice of the occupying Jews……..

And there you have it readers.  Just a brief sampling of traditional New York Times Christmas day headlines.  Enjoy the season!

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Here at the headquarters of Manhattan Infidel our mission statement mentions our pride in disseminating the latest in culture.  And what says culture more than a cheap made for TV movie?  The mission statement also mentions I am lactose-intolerant.  Yet I also love to eat pizza with extra cheese.  While eating ice cream.  And practicing auto-eroticism.  And drinking milk.  And now with the Christmas holiday behind us it is time to review this year’s top Christmas-themed specials.  And please, lay off the cheese.  I have a sensitive digestive tract.

Unlike the innocent Christmas specials of the past which featured singers such as Andy Williams or Bing Crosby singing holiday staples the new crop of Christmas specials were more “cutting edge.”  A brief sampling of which follows.

Deck the Halls with Boughs…….of MURDER!

This very popular TV movie featured Carrot Top in his hoped for comeback role as a HGH using, steroid abusing Santa who steals money from people’s homes after delivering presents.  Unfortunately one such home owner catches him in the act.

Most memorable moment:  A naked Carrot Top covered in blood, holding a butcher’s knife and saying, “I just wanted your money, bitch!”

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (Because Its Natural Habitat was Destroyed by Deforestation)

A global warming-themed Christmas special produced by Al Gore’s Current TV featured a herd of crazed and hungry reindeer that invade a suburban Cul-de-sac, running over grandmothers, eating children and defecating on lawn ornaments. Catastrophe is averted as resident agree to forgo cars, light bulbs and flush toilets to stop anthropogenic global warming.

Most memorable moment: The reindeer, panicked and crazed by their unfamiliar surroundings stomp, bite and tear the flesh off a naked and blood-covered Carrot Top.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas (So Get That Nativity Scene Off Government Property!)

One of the more popular and inclusive Christmas specials, this one shows the origins of Christmas in ancient Kwanzaa practices going all the way back to the mid-1960s.  A typical suburban family, disturbed by the exclusive practices of Christmas sue to remove a nativity display from a courthouse square and replace it with the core Kwanzaa principles of unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity and faith.

Most memorable moment: A naked Carrot Top, dressed only in a yarmulke crashes a Kwanzaa celebration and asks if Jews could participate, since “the Jews of the bible were Africans.”

The Night Before Christmas and All Through the House was Blood and Gore (Thanks to a Lack of Gun Control)

Produced before the tragic events in Connecticut this anti-gun movie features Carrot Top as a mild-mannered paper salesman who one day finds a discarded gun in the street and goes on a horrifically violent killing spree.  Fortunately the horrified and guilt-stricken survivors give up all their weapons, leaving only the benevolent security force of the state armed.

Most memorable moment:   A naked and covered in blood Carrot Top looks down at the gun in his hand and says, “I’ve never committed a crime in my life.  But from the moment this gun was in my hand I had an uncontrollable urge to kill.  This gun is possessed!”

I’ll be Home for Christmas (Thanks to High-Speed Rail)

Produced the the California Department of Tourism this movie revolves around a post-apocalyptic world destroyed by global warming. The band of survivors vow to rebuild their society but without carbon monoxide producing cars or Earth destroying 100-watt light bulbs.

Most memorable moment: Carrot Top (naked because clothing causes global warming) vows in front of an excited crowd, “As God, or science, is my witness I shall never be hungry again and I will only eat local produce as I take high speed rail home for Christmas!”

And there you have it readers.  What a memorable crop of TV movies.

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