Death to the Infidel!

Christmas could be a major disappointment this year for boys and girls around the world after Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, who used his signature proboscis to guide Santa through rough weather, announced his conversion to Islam.

“I only follow The Prophet now” said Rudolph.

Christmas is a holiday of the infidel, the crusader, the ones who must submit to Sharia Law. I will not help the infidel spread his unholy practices. They are an abomination. Death to the crusader! Death to Santa! Allah Akbar!

Sources report that Rudolph has recently begun acting strangely and was no longer the lovable reindeer everybody could count on.

“Rudolph has saved my bacon many times” said Santa.

And I’ve always counted on him every Christmas Eve to guide my sleigh. Even if the weather wasn’t that bad Rudolph would be right up in front guiding it. It was good for morale. Well except that one year he had a gastrointestinal bug and let loose a stream of diarrhea that landed right in Donner’s face somewhere over Canada. Donner sure was angry about that. I thought it was funny.  I laughed my ass off as Donner shouted “Jesus, Mary and Joseph I’ve got shit on my face!” I thought I would bust a gut. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yes. Rudolph told me he won’t guide my sleigh this year. Looks like we’re screwed.

When Rudolph announced his conversion and his decision to not guide Santa’s sleigh an emergency meeting with Santa, top reindeer and elves was held at the North Pole. It didn’t go well.

“Santa was in panic mode” said an elf who attended and who wishes to remain anonymous.

I thought the old man was going to have a stroke.

Santa is getting too old for this shit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was red in the face and hyperventilating. He kept saying “You motherf*ckers better find me another red nosed reindeer or so help me I’m eating venison tonight!” Needless to say that didn’t go over well with the reindeer. Most of them would have walked out but Santa has them under contract for life.  Look I know why Santa is upset. And don’t give me that “He loves handing out presents” bullshit. He gets paid by the percentage of houses he visits. The more houses the more the fat one makes. Doesn’t matter to us. We’re contractors and get paid the same whether Santa flies or not.

Finally threatened by the loss of his income Santa asked the U.S. Air Force if they had some spare B 52s that could fly the presents around the world. Unfortunately, being the U.S. Air Force, no planes were operational. Santa then cut an emergency last-minute deal with Fed Ex whereby Fed Ex would deliver the toys for a cut of Santa’s cut.

“You do what you have to do. Besides venison tastes awful” said Santa.

As for Rudolph he has split with longtime partner Clarice after she refused to be have her clitoris circumcised.

“It’s what the prophet wants” demanded Rudolph.

“I should have known better than to trust men” said Clarice.

“From now on it’s only female deer for me.”

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