Come on Eve, just one massage!

Eve shocked many in the Garden of Eden today when she accused her domestic partner, Adam, of inappropriate conduct.

“First he asked me to his hotel room” she said.

I shouldn’t have gone up but hey, I was young and naive. So he greets me at the door wearing nothing but a fig leaf. Hello?  I didn’t get a masters in Intersectional Feminist Theory just so a powerful white man can greet me in a fig leaf. I’m all about intersections. I’m a very liberated, intersectional woman. But anyway back to Adam. He then invites me in and says “How about taking a peak under my fig leaf. You know you want to.” I mumbled some excuse and got out of there as quickly as I could.

Crushed and defeated by Adam’s actions the dejected Eve went straight to her safe place, the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Trees always make me feel safe. They welcome me.  So I sat down and had a good cry. Then the serpent came out and offered me some fruit. I was happy that he cared about me enough to offer me food and not ask me to peek under his fig leaf. Serpents are more trustworthy than white men.

It was after eating the fruit that God paid a visit and banished Adam and Eve.

As if my day couldn’t get any worse. First a white man wants me to give him a massage and peak under his fig leaf. Then God, another powerful white man, banishes the two of us from our home. Why?  Because I ate fruit? Is that it? He doesn’t want me to eat healthy? Does he want me to eat processed foods from kill farms?

Before being formally ejected from the Garden of Eden Eve had a chance to defend herself before God.

I told him “Look, it’s not my fault. This guy you set me up with is a real jerk. I don’t care if he is the first man on Earth I don’t want to look under his fig leaf. He’s a serial harasser.”

As if to prove her point Adam interrupted the hearing to masturbate in front of Eve.

“Just stand there and shut up. Don’t say nuttin” he told her.

I got powerful friends. I can help you. Capish? Come on baby, don’t be that way. Just touch it once for Adam’s sake.

God however did not punish Adam for his actions, further exasperating Eve.

What did I tell you?  Powerful white men always protect powerful white men. That’s the way it is. And it will always be that way until women like me stand up and say “I won’t take this anymore!”

Eve then announced her separation from Adam and said she plans on pursuing an acting career in Hollywood.

“I know it will be different in Hollywood. I mean if you can’t trust a producer who can you trust?”

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