Caroline Kennedy Sworn in as Ambassador to Japan; Vows to Make Fighting Godzilla Top Priority

We must defeat Mothra!

We must defeat Mothra!

Caroline Kennedy, daughter of the late President Kennedy (pictured here)

President Kennedy with an aide.

President Kennedy with an aide.

has been sworn in as the new ambassador to Japan.

“This appointment has a special significance for me” said Kennedy.

As we are celebrating the 50th anniversary of my father’s presidency. I am conscious of my responsibility to uphold the ideals he represented.  Which is why I am bringing lots of condoms.

As Japan is the United States’ most important ally in the region the ambassadorship has often gone to political heavyweights such as Walter Mondale, Howard Baker and Tom Foley.  Mrs. Kennedy is the first ambassador with no political experience.

Sensing that many in Japan doubt that she will be up to the job, Kennedy vowed to do all that she can to help the Japanese people.

The Japanese people know that they have a friend in this administration.  President Obama and I have made it our top priority to help Japan succeed in the many challenges that lie ahead.

The new ambassador then talked about the two greatest challenges the island nation faces.

Number one will be the full implementation of the Kyoto protocols, naturally.  While President Obama has the ability to lower sea levels he does needs help. So, Kyoto number one.  And secondly I pledge to commit the entire resources of the United States to defeating Godzilla and his allies.  The current administration considers the existence of Godzilla inexcusable.  Godzilla cannot be allowed to roam freely in Japan, attacking innocent civilians.  He is a weapon of mass destruction and unless Godzilla ceases and desists this president will go to the United Nations and ask authorization to bomb Japan.  We’ve bombed Japan before and we know how do to it.  So let’s bomb Japan!  To get rid of Godzilla, I mean.

As the Japanese ambassador squirmed nervously behind her, Kennedy continued her acceptance speech.

It’s not just the damage that Godzilla does, extensive as that may be.  But his allies must be stopped as well.  For instance this Mothra character.  She is a formidable adversary in combat. She utilizes silken spray to immobilize her opponents. She bites and clings to the tails of her foes.  She uses that damn yellow powder.  All this is not justified under the rules of war.   That’s why the UN must give us authorization to bomb Japan.  Now I understand the thought of being bombed by the American war machine makes the Japanese nervous.  Do not worry.  Our bombing campaign will be strategic in nature.  A pinprick if you will.  The bombing will be so small the Japanese people won’t even know they are being bombed.

When asked by a reporter if bombing Japan was really necessary, Kennedy responded by saying that if a third country, perhaps Russia, would oversee the dismantling and elimination of Godzilla and Mothra then the United States would refrain from a bombing campaign.

So let me close by saying that this administration intends to enforce Kyoto and bomb Japan.  But mostly bomb Japan.  Unless the Russians say otherwise.

Russian president Vladimir Putin has yet to respond to the United States’ offer.

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8 Comments

8 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    All the Gozilla has to do is state he’s Muslim, and Obama will apologize to him, and send money!

  2. Petermc3 says:

    If the G man can produce a Hawaiian birth certificate he may replace uncle Joe on the Hillary Biden ticket. Chris Christie will be left with no choice but to choose the NJ Pine Barrens devil as his running mate. It is believed Mothra is actually Korean and if chosen to run PETA would demonstrate against Christie.

  3. The Kennedy wench is waster time. Abenomics is even worse than Obamanomics. Japan will be finished before she gets off the plane. Godzilla will die from starvation unless he/she can swim to China.

  4. petermc3 says:

    Where does Rodan fit into this equation?

  5. petermc3 says:

    For the children…

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