Rules and regulations are for fools! Occupy the Pentagon!

Beetle Bailey, a private at Camp Swampy has been dishonorably discharged from active service in the United States Army.

“Said Private Bailey has repeatedly violated many army regulations” are the first words on his discharge papers.

Among Bailey’s infractions are:

• Sleeping in and missing reveille
• Missing bed check
• Staying out all night
• Smoking marijuana on base and in uniform
• Masturbation

Sergeant Orville P. Snorkel, Bailey’s platoon sergeant is happy to finally have him out of the army.

The kid was a disgrace.  He should never have joined the army to begin with.  What was he thinking.  He couldn’t or wouldn’t do anything right.  Even his hair wasn’t regulation. He had this strange haircut with bangs that hung down over his eyes.  One time he was on K.P. duty and I couldn’t find him.  I figured he might be in the bathroom so I went in and he was in the last commode.  I thought he might be sleeping so I stood on the stool in the commode next to his and looked down.  I then saw private Bailey masturbating himself.  When he should have been on K.P.!  I was so disgusted I grabbed another sergeant and we watched him continue with his masturbatory activity. I finally stopped him and yelled at him.  “Private Bailey I bet you’re the kind of guy who would fuck a person up the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.”  Needless to say we had to cancel lunch that day.  Who knows what might have gotten into the food.

Bailey had also become addicted to a fast-growing drug the youth call “pot.”  Bailey had been spotted several times on base smoking the substance.  According to Snorkel Bailey’s activities were in danger of bringing the authorities down on the base.

Look, I’m an NCO, but I hate commissioned officers as much as privates do.  The last thing I wanted was an eagle or a couple of stars snooping around the base.  I’m all for my men blowing off steam.  But that means getting drunk.  Drinking is a soldier’s right. Hell it’s his duty but this marijuana crap is risky business.  It’s illegal and it might lead to my men forming rock bands.  And once that happens all hell will break loose.  He kept asking me to if I wanted to try it.  “It’ll make you mellow Sarge” he told me.  Mellow?  Me?  Sergeant Orville P. Snorkel? Mellow?  It looks to me like the best part of private Bailey ran down the crack of his momma’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress!

As for the former private Bailey he seems unfazed by his dishonorable discharge and is in talks to form his own band.

I’m going to call my band ‘The Beetles’ after my name.  But I might change the spelling to ‘Beatles’ to make a pun.  I’m already in discussion with this kid from Liverpool, England named Paul. We have a lot in common. We both like to smoke pot and listen to Buddy Holly.

Beetle Bailey sees an unlimited future for himself with only one concern:

“I just wish Paul wouldn’t keep firing my drummers.”

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