Closed because everyone went to Canada.

In the three days since Donald Trump was elected the 45th President of the United States, Hollywood has reverted to a state of nature, with tumbleweeds and pigs roaming deserted streets as Hollywood stars climbed to the top of the Capitol Records building and tried to get on the last helicopter out of town before Trump takes over.

“How could this happen?  How” cried Amy Schumer.

I love America. It’s the greatest socialist nation ever. I love American values of redistribution of wealth and the confiscation of guns. But how can Trump get elected?  He didn’t even get the most votes! Isn’t the person who gets the most votes win? It’s in the Constitution or something.

Popular singer Barbra Streisand lamented the recent turn of events.

“Elections are just too important to be left into the hands of the people” she said.

America is a large country. Or so it appears to be on the map. I’ve only seen LA and New York. Lots of good respectable progressives in both towns. But between those two cities?  It’s scary. Lots and lots of white people. And  not respectable white people either who have college degrees and work in think tanks. But white folk who own farms and do manual labor. People who have never been to college or know the glory of socialism. I hate them. I mean I hope they buy my records but they’re not true Americans.

Bryan Cranston, popular star of Breaking Bad regretted the necessity of moving to Canada.

“I am an American” he cried as he pushed John Stewart off the helicopter to make room for his wife.

And my American experience is fairly typical. I was born and raised in Hollywood, the son of an actor. I’ve lived my entire life in Hollywood. But with Trump elected now I have no choice but to move to Canada. I thought of moving to Mexico but too many brown people live there. So Canada it is. I hear it’s cold and rainy but like most Americans I have lots of money so I can always afford to vacation in a warm place. Assuming there are more white than brown people living there.

As the helicopter took off for places north an  eerie silence descended upon the streets. Soon Chicanos moved into the swank homes formerly owned by the now-fled stars.

“White people are crazy” said one Chicano.

This is a nice home. I don’t know why they left. I hear white people like cold weather. Maybe that’s why the went to Canada. It would make more sense to go to Mexico. It’s closer to Hollywood and warmer.

From his new home in Canada, Cranston wore a thick sweater as he adjusted his thermometer.

“Damn it’s cold here. Very cold. I should have moved to Mexico.”

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